TITLE: GIRL IN FLIGHT
GENRE: Futuristic Fantasy
After spellwright Georgia Nillsen’s misplaced trust costs her everything but her life, she finds refuge with Haddix Bray, a body switcher. But when slave traders capture Haddix, Georgia’s only hope of saving him requires her to trust a stranger, risk her sanity and sacrifice a piece of her soul.
This intrigued me. I don't know what a spellwright is, but the rest definitely piqued my interest.
ReplyDeleteYou can drop the "But" at the beginning of the second sentence.
Ooooh, I'm hooked. There's a lot of information here, but I was able to follow everything. That last sentence though could relate more to the first. For example, Georgia has to trust a stranger. This wouldn't be easy for her after "misplaced trust" costs her so much in the beginning. To me, it seems near impossible for her to do it. There's more weight placed on the other things--"risk her sanity and sacrifice a piece of her soul"--but I think the first would be the hardest for the MC, given her history. Also think it might read better as, "But when slave traders capture Haddix, Georgia must risk her sanity, sacrifice a piece of her soul, and place her still recovering trust in a stranger who may be the only hope of saving her friend." Or something like that. The phrase "Georgia's only hope of saving him requires..." was a bit awkward for me, but that could just be me. Great job.
ReplyDeleteNinja Girl
This sounds like a very colorful story and I love the concept of her needing to sacrifice a piece of her soul to save Haddix.
ReplyDeleteI agree with NinjaGirl - begin your second sentance, "When". I would leave most of that second sentance alone and add something prior to trust such as, "Georgia's only hope of saving him requires her to quickly swallow her painful past to trust a stranger...." Something along those lines to not discount her issues in the opening sentance.
Honestly, I clicked over from my blogger feed so I could read the rest of this. I would say that is the very definition of having someone hooked.
ReplyDeleteI do agree that the "But" could definitely be axed.
When it comes down to it though, this is something that I would read.
I like this! I think Ninja Girl made some really good points. Overall, though, I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Ninja Girl's advice and revision! I'm curious and would read on, definitely.
ReplyDeleteI don’t have enough zing to pull me into the story. I believe ‘trust’ is the theme here, with Georgia’s ‘misplaced’ trust getting her into trouble. Then trusting a stranger in order to save Haddix. I want more info before I would commit to this story.
ReplyDeleteHmm. After reading this, I almost feel like you've told us the ending. It's just the way it's phrased, honestly - when you say "it requires her to ... sacrifice a piece of her soul" it makes me think, Oh, that happens, it's a concrete fact. Other than that, I really like this blurb. And the name Haddix Bray is wonderful.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck!
I'm hooked as well. The only thing to consider is maybe elaborating on "body switching." Does he shift forms? Can he go into other people's bodies? etc.
ReplyDeleteBut besides that, it looks like you have a solid premise here and I'd definitely read this if I saw it in the bookstore. Good job and good luck!
1. "costs her everything" is too vague. Are we talking about money? Friends? Family? Social status?
ReplyDelete2. "only hope" isn't really a strong goal. You need to establish that she MUST find him (and tell us why) and then tell us why it is going to be difficult. Otherwise, we won't care.
3. There are a lot of things going on here (spellwright, body switcher, slave traders and soul sacrificing) and I think you should eliminate any that aren't necessary for the logline. Agents aren't going to pick this out because you've added a whole bunch of stuff. They want to see that you have a cool concept and interesting story.
Good luck!
Holly
Thank you all for your great comments and encouragement. It's been a big help. I'm obviously struggling to balance "too much information" with "too vague." Here's my attempt at using your suggestions.
ReplyDeleteAfter Georgia Nillsen is betrayed and her home destroyed, she finds refuge with Haddix, a body switcher. Just as Georgia opens her heart to Haddix, he's kidnapped and to get him back she'll have to risk her sanity and sacrifice a piece of her soul.
Again, thanks for all your help.
I really like your revision, especially the first sentence, which was way too packed with information for me in your original version. Your second sentence needs some punctuation revision. Perhaps: "Just as Georgia opens her heart to Haddix, he's kidnapped, and to get him back she'll have to risk her sanity, as well as sacrifice a piece of her soul." Something like that, anyway... Sounds at first like you;re saying she's risking her sanity AND sacrifice, which doesn't make sense.
ReplyDelete