TITLE: Ripple Effect
GENRE: Time Travel Dystopian
Sixteen-year-old Kali Addison remembers the past before the Protectorate creates their utopian society, but when bombs destroy it all in the present, she’d better figure out why before there is no future.
Deana Barnhart
Writing. For what it's worth.
What is it she remembers about the past? You can leave the Protecorate out because no one knows what it is. I see what you're trying to do with the past present and future, but with so little information it comes off a little confusing. Is it a time travel or was the big change within her lifetime? Figure out why is a generic goal. What is it she has to do to save the future? Stopping bombs is more specific.
ReplyDeleteI understand what you're trying to do with the past-present-future set up, but I think it's tying you down a little. The second half of the line could use more. Whose bombs? Why is it up to Kali? If bombs already destroyed everything, where is the hope for the future? I think you need to up your stakes a bit more in the line.
ReplyDeleteThis one is a bit confusing for me. It's the wording and the past, present, future bit. I would work to make this clearer. Where is the connection about the past she remembers? I would give the reader more information as well. As it is, I find myself wondering what the main point of your novel is. If it's for Kali to protect the Utopian Society? To restore the past she remembers?
ReplyDeleteHmmmm.
I like how tight and tidy this logline is, but I think you could definitely loosen it up a bit with more information. I agree that the Protectorate name can be left out since it just leaves us wondering what that is (is there a way to describe it in a few words, rather than give it's name?). And why is it up to Kali? What makes it her job?
ReplyDeleteInterested to read more, but definitely could do with a few details :)
This is very vague for me. What is it about this utopian society that is unique? What does she lose if the present is destroyed? What's important about the past? I like the tie-in among past-present-future. But you need to add specifics to make it work.
ReplyDeleteI love the idea but your logline comes off a bit muddled. I get that you're trying to play with the past/present/future thing, but I agree with Janice. I would like to know more about the overall goal and the main character. Why is she the story's protag? Is she the only one who remembers the past? What makes her special? You're off to a good start, keep working on it!
ReplyDeleteThis is listed as Adult, but sounds like YA.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the help so far. It is actually YA. Where does it say that it is an adult?
ReplyDeleteI think I'm dizzy. Does she remember the past before the society is ACTUALLY created or does she remember what is was like before the society was created? And in the present, is this now, after she has remembered the past?
ReplyDeleteThat aside, is her memory the inciting incident or is it the bomb? If it's the bomb, what does she actually need to do to save the future. "Figure it out" is not a tangible goal unless the book ends when she stops wondering why. I assume she actually does something once she figures it out. If so, that is her goal and the conflict you need is whatever makes that goal difficult.
Good luck!
Holly
A very interesting premise... but the wording is a little confusing... a little more detail might help. In any case, I would definitely read it.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea behind the past, present, and future wordplay. But it just left me confused. Is the past you refer to recent, or does she have some special ability that allows her to remember it? Is time travel involved? What is the "why" she needs to figure out - how she remembers the past or the reason the bombs are dropped? I think I'd also want to know what about this dystopian society sets it apart from others.
ReplyDeleteI think you want to say YA in the genre tag, otherwise the assumption is that your book is adult.
I seriously had to read this a few times and even then I wasn't really sure what was going on. I don't love that you start this with an age - it doesn't draw the reader in quite enough..."the Protectorate" makes me immediately ask "what Protectorate?" maybe take this out unless you add more of a description of what this is. "Before there is no future" is a bit trite but could be compelling - if what comes before it is a bit clearer.
ReplyDeleteJust my two cents as a reader...