In nowadays London, paranormal consultant Robyn Wise is charged with the task of protecting Fairyland from the Dark Cloud, a malevolent entity willing to destroy it for good.
"Nowadays" feels awkward to me--Maybe contemporary? Modern-day?
I'd like a bit more here--it's spare, but I want to know more about the threat, what's at stake, and what makes her the person to defeat the Dark Cloud.
Is the place necessary? Why not: Paranormal consultant Robyn Wise is charged with the task...
Also, 'willing to destroy it' - sounds a bit too laid back. DETERMINED to destroy it would be more threatening. As is, it sounds like it could be convinced not to destroy it.
I think 'for good' coudl be dropped as well. Destroyed is pretty final.
Nowadays bothered me a bit, I agree London could be left in- it gives a certain feel for the story since London is such a major and unique city. But maybe just "in modern day"? And I want to know a bit about this dark cloud. Why is this one woman the only one charged with saving all of fairyland?
Nice work though- just maybe some tightening and adding ;).
I think what you're missing is action. What is the inciting incident? The character and her goal are clear (and I'm sure you've already dashed the word nowadays)so add the inciting incident and you're all set!
I agree with the others, but I think there does need some more concrete info - what's the "or-else" for Robyn if she fails...does she live in Fairyland? (I assume not, b/c of the London bit? Will she lose her job? (Kind of funny stakes for the destruction of a world?) Does someone she love live there? Anyway, I'd like to hear more about what it matters to her.
Yeah, I agree about the "nowadays". Unless otherwise stated, people always assume books are set now.
Aside from that, you've kind of got an inciting incident here but that's about it. What happens when she gets this assignment? Does she take it? Does she want to succeed? If so why? And who is going to stop her? And what happens if she fails?
This sounds imaginative and intriguing! I'd love to see a longer logline. Would love to hear more about the paranormal consultant character, and why protecting Fairyland is crucial to him.
My only question is why the Dark Cloud wants to destroy Fairyland? Just for the heck of it, because he is malevolent, or does he have a reason? And if he does destroy Fairyland, what does that mean for Robyn? Does someone she love live there?
"Nowadays" feels awkward to me--Maybe contemporary? Modern-day?
ReplyDeleteI'd like a bit more here--it's spare, but I want to know more about the threat, what's at stake, and what makes her the person to defeat the Dark Cloud.
Is the place necessary? Why not: Paranormal consultant Robyn Wise is charged with the task...
ReplyDeleteAlso, 'willing to destroy it' - sounds a bit too laid back. DETERMINED to destroy it would be more threatening. As is, it sounds like it could be convinced not to destroy it.
I think 'for good' coudl be dropped as well. Destroyed is pretty final.
I'd leave the London in, it's a concrete detail. I thought this was very clean. I agree about cutting "for good," though.
ReplyDeleteNowadays bothered me a bit, I agree London could be left in- it gives a certain feel for the story since London is such a major and unique city. But maybe just "in modern day"? And I want to know a bit about this dark cloud. Why is this one woman the only one charged with saving all of fairyland?
ReplyDeleteNice work though- just maybe some tightening and adding ;).
I think what you're missing is action. What is the inciting incident? The character and her goal are clear (and I'm sure you've already dashed the word nowadays)so add the inciting incident and you're all set!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others, but I think there does need some more concrete info - what's the "or-else" for Robyn if she fails...does she live in Fairyland? (I assume not, b/c of the London bit? Will she lose her job? (Kind of funny stakes for the destruction of a world?) Does someone she love live there? Anyway, I'd like to hear more about what it matters to her.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I agree about the "nowadays". Unless otherwise stated, people always assume books are set now.
ReplyDeleteAside from that, you've kind of got an inciting incident here but that's about it. What happens when she gets this assignment? Does she take it? Does she want to succeed? If so why? And who is going to stop her? And what happens if she fails?
Good luck!
Holly
You might try: In modern day London...
ReplyDeleteBest wishes!
This sounds imaginative and intriguing! I'd love to see a longer logline. Would love to hear more about the paranormal consultant character, and why protecting Fairyland is crucial to him.
ReplyDeleteGOOD LUCK! AND THANK YOU FOR CREATING THIS!
My only question is why the Dark Cloud wants to destroy Fairyland? Just for the heck of it, because he is malevolent, or does he have a reason? And if he does destroy Fairyland, what does that mean for Robyn? Does someone she love live there?
ReplyDeleteI definitely like that there's big stakes here, but what about the personal stakes for Robyn? Why does it matter to her if Fairyland is destroyed?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I like the premise, and curious to know about the Dark Cloud. Along with the others, I agree, we need more stakes. Good luck!
ReplyDelete