TITLE: Song for Anna
GENRE: YA Fantasy
When 16-year-old Anna’s hot-headed wizard brother loses a magical duel and promises her hand in marriage to the victor, she must find a way to break the spell, or she’ll end up warming the bed of a wrinkled old wizard. Anna seeks the help of the immortal Sun and Mood Maids, who use their magic to free her--sort of--but place her in a new, worse kind of bondage, so now Anna faces the prospect of losing her family, her secretly betrothed love, and possibly her life.
The first sentence really said it all, except for the conflict (what will prevent her from breaking the spell?), so the second sentence isn't necessary.
ReplyDeleteLove the concept!
I agree, the second sentence uses some terms that slow the momentum including "sort of" and "so."
ReplyDeletewhat spell? The brother loses a duel and Anna's the prize. I get that. I don't see where the spell comes in. I agree with the above. lose the "sort-of".
ReplyDeleteThe rest of the last sentence after the word "bondage" seems weak - like an afterthought? Maybe incorporate these aspects earlier so then it doesn't sound like it came out of nowhere.
The ideas are all here, but I think you can cut back on the wordiness so it flows better. I did some rewording on it to tighten it up but still keep all the ideas there:
ReplyDeleteWhen 16-year-old Anna’s hot-headed wizard brother loses a magical duel that results in her impending marriage to the victor, a wrinkled old wizard, she seeks help from the immortal Sun and Mood Maids, though it comes at a cost. Now finding herself in a worse kind of bondage, Anna faces the prospect of losing her family, her secretly betrothed love, and possibly her life.
I get what you're trying to say with the first sentence, but I think you can clean it up a bit and make the link between the duel and Anna's marriage clearer (eg "When Anna's sixteen-year-old hot-headed wizard brother loses a magical duel--and Anna's hand in marriage is the prize--she must go on a quest to seek the help of the immortal Sun and Moon, or risk marriage to a wrinkled old wizard". It's a bit long, but you get the idea). There was a bit of an ick factor for me with Anna (who sounds like she has to be younger for her brother if he's oh-so-kindly setting up her marriage for her =) "warming the bed" of some old guy.
ReplyDeleteI'd lose "sort of" in the second sentence; it just adds confusion where you really can't afford to have any. And I'd elaborate a little bit on the "bondage" that Anna is now in--especially since it has such drastic consequences (losing her family, love, life).
To me, the phrase "her secretly betrothed love" implies that her love just got betrothed to somebody else. I'd go with something that emphasizes their connection (her secret fiance/beau or something)that would eliminate the awkwardness in wording.
If you clarify this a little bit, I think it'll be great! Good luck!
Beyond the comments you've already received, I would add that bondage is not a word I easily associate with Anna's predicament. I would suggest contract, agreement, etc.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I think this could be condensed to read snappier. Maybe: When Anna’s hot-headed wizard brother loses a (no magical here since I think we can assume that from the "wizard" part, but vice versa works as well) duel and promises her hand in marriage to the victor, she must find a way to break the spell, or the 16-year-old girl will end up warming the bed of a wrinkled old wizard. Anna seeks the help of the immortal Sun and Mood Maids, who use their magic to free her, but when they place her in a new, worse kind of bond, Anna faces the prospect of losing her family, her secretly betrothed love, and even her life.
ReplyDeleteJust little things. Overall, this was good! :)
I agree with the other commenters here. Overall I really like the premise of this story. Great job and Good luck!
ReplyDeleteDid you mean Sun and Moon (not Mood) maids? That looked like a typo to me. You don't need the adjective "new" in addition to "worse" to describe the bondage. Last sentence could be condensed to "When the help of the immortal Sun and Moon maids backfires, Anna must fight to save her family, her secretly-betrothed love, and her own life." I think you should make the last sentence sound more proactive. What is Anna going to do about it. You have "faces the prospect" vs. "Anna must fight to save" like I suggested above, or something similarly strong. I really like this premise! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteOn another note, I'm wondering what your title has to do with your story.
ReplyDeleteI like the beginning except that you say he loses a duel and next thing we know, she is breaking a spell. Where did the spell come from? Is it the result of the duel?
ReplyDeleteAfter that, it feels like her goal changes. If you establish her goal as "don't marry the wizard" the book needs to stop when that is no longer going to happen. If, instead, you establish it as "marry other guy" then at least you can keep going. Having said that, if you do this, you need to set this up so that the wizard and the bondage place are all obstacles to that marriage.
Good luck!
Holly
First, Anna is taken advantage of by everyone in this logline. Which means, she doesn't come off as bright, and she isn't doing anything. EVerything is being done to her.
ReplyDeleteSecond, what spell are we talking about? Is the spell on her or someone else? Why must it be broken?
Third, what is the new kind of bondange? Tell us so we can go "Ooh, that's horrible,' (empathy) and so we can see how it relates to losing her family, her secret love (who should probably be mentioned in the first sentence - warming the bed of a wrinkled old wizard instead of the bed of her secret love) - and her life.
Connect the threads.