TITLE: The Rowaness of Shalott
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Raised in hiding with her irresistible female race, an immortal Rowaness longs for a name and the ability to feel physical contact. When men come to defend her island from war, she’s drawn to young Arthur, but it’s arrogant Lancelot who romances her, naming her Guinevere and awakening her ability to feel touch. However, the new sensation and their forbidden relationship come with a price, severing the connection to her rowan tree—the force keeping her alive.
Love King Arthur stories. This is a new twist. I had to read your first sentence a couple times before I realized what you were talking about. You refer to her as part of an irresistible female race and also an immortal Rowaness. Pick one. My other question is if they're in hiding, how do the men know to come defend her island?
ReplyDeleteThe first line is a bit confusing and weak. 'An immortal Rowaness raised in hiding longs for a name and the ability to feel contact.' Might be stronger. If they are hiding, how do the men know to come to defend her? Why mention Arthur if the main focus is Lancelot?
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like an interesting take on the tale. I'm definitely interested
ReplyDeleteI'd lose the "raised in hiding with her irresistible female race"
Why does Rowaness long for a name? Isn't it Rowaness? I see later that there's a Rowan tree but when I first read it, it was confusing. And I get that you have to throw in the Arthurian name but is he an important part of the story?
Definitely sounds like something I'd love to read, especially since it's YA and I've not read any YA-Arthur stories really (that I can think of right now anyhow) so it's appealing.
ReplyDeleteI think your logline is too long though. I think you could cut down sentences 2 and 3 into one somehow. Maybe but out "When men come to defend her island from war" to just being caught between Arthur and Lancelot, and the awakened sensation. Agree that irresistible and immortal in the same sentence (and same logline) seems a bit too much info. Good work!!
I like this idea and what you have. The only thing that caught me was your use of "her". It was in there so much I found myself focusing on that word rather than what the story is about.
ReplyDeleteI like this concept- definitely interesting. But I agree with some of the others about that first line. You might try starting at the second line? Also what is the threat here- the men invading her land? Her disconnection to the tree? Does her relationship with him sever her connection- or something else?
ReplyDeleteNice work though- this is an interesting story :)
Okay, so I think your inciting incident is Lancelot awakening her ability to feel touch but I can't see the effect of this incident or what goal it creates. Does this make her want to be with Lancelot? If so, who or what is stopping her from achieving that? Is it just the tree? And can you be more specific about what this connection to the tree actually is? In my head, she is physically attached to a tree that keeps her alive and has to choose to die in order to be with Lancelot (and if so, it seems like an easy choice and a short plot!)
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Try knocking out some details (she longs for a name), and shorten your first line:
ReplyDeleteAn immortal Rowaness longs for the ability to feel physical contact. When men come to defend her island from war...
It sounds like a wonderful story. Best wishes!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteOh, a very interesting twist on the Arthur-Guinevere-Lancelot love triangle. I really like the magical additional of Guinevere as an immortal - a very neat origin idea.
ReplyDeleteOverall, your logline is good, though (as others have mentioned) I do feel the first sentence needs a little work or polishing, maybe... but I love the idea, and you've got me wanting to read more. Everything's been pretty well covered, so I'll just say: Great job and good luck! :)
Wow, thanks to everyone for all the great suggestions and the vote of confidence. This really helps me know what can still be cut and what needs to be fleshed out more. Best of luck to all who are entering the Baker's Dozen Auction in the next few days!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely intrigued by the twist on Arthurian legend. I was really confused by the beginning, though. If she in hiding, or the whole race? If it's the latter, why would an army defend her island?
ReplyDeleteOthers have probably stated it better. I'd take that first sentence and make it the inciting event (Lancelot finds her and awakens her ability to touch). From there, you have the conflict and stakes already written (I think that last sentence is pretty perfect).
Would read in a heartbeat! Any suggestion I had was covered in the other comments. Wow.
ReplyDeleteLove me some Lancelot!
Good luck!
Love love love the sound of this! Brilliant stuff, love authurian legend. The only thing I did have was that it took me a couple times to read, mainly the first part. But you've had some great suggestions to help with that!
ReplyDeleteGood luck =]