Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Logline Critique, Round 3 #38

GENRE: YA Historical Fantasy

When a suburban teen accidentally travels backward in time to 1895 Paris, she is mistaken for an affluent Jewish girl and falls for a man meant for another. If Sophie doesn’t unlock the secrets of her mother’s gold medallion and find a way home, she will destroy the life of a friend.


  1. accidentally and mistaken shouldn't show up in the same sentence. It weakens your plot. How will falling for someone in the past destroy the life of a friend? Is she falling for her friends grandfather?

  2. I love the idea! More detail about the main character, the gold medallion, n' the main conflict (is it being stuck in time? the destruction of her friend?) would deepen everything for me...


  3. Is there a better way to describe her than suburban?

    I think there must be some link between the man she falls for and the friend - if so you need to make that clearer. Does she have to choose between the friend and the man? I think raising some questions that aren't answered is good, but I also think there are too many unanswered questions here.

    It does sound like an interesting concept to explore though. Good luck with it.

  4. Nice. I kind of need to know how she'll destroy the life of a friend, though. What friend? the one that the man is meant for? Is Sophie Jewish in modern day? And the medallion is what sends her back in time? Maybe mention it in the first line as causing her to time travel.

    Good job though!

  5. Instead of saying 'suburban teen' perhaps put Sophie's name at the forefront - you leave it up to us to assume Sophie from the second sentance is the teen you refer to at the beginning.

    I agree with Fairview about mentioning the medallion right away...and hinting the why/who/what places her friend in danger is needed.
    Nice idea overall. Good luck!

  6. "unlock the secrets of her mother's gold medallion," is what drew me in. I didn't understand the part where she will destroy the life of a friend though. Still I was hooked and would read. ;-)

  7. Everyone here gave great feedback, so my only addition would be to introduce the main character's name earlier. "A suburban teen, Sophie....". I was thrown a bit off guard when her name was used in the second sentence. You're story sounds great!

  8. I like that there's an inciting incident followed by inner then external conflict, but I feel that more tension could be brought in through details about the medallion.

  9. You could add some tension to this logline. I understand the "she will destroy the life of a friend" part, but I don't see a correlation. First, I'm confused as to how she is mistaken as an affluent Jewish girl. And the importance of her mother's gold medallion pops out just as the "gold medallion" is mentioned, which I think could leave a bigger impact if you mentioned the medallion before. Maybe that's why she is mistaken as an affluent Jewish girl? If so, you can include it in the Jewish girl sentence and perhaps it will make a bigger impact when revealed as important later on.

    Good luck! :)

  10. This sounds like an interesting read! The only comment I'd add is that "destroy the life of a friend" came across as a little vague. Is there a way to make it more specific to amp the tension?

  11. I don't know if it's harder for me to judge knowing the story, but it's a great summary of a complicated plot. Agree that you need to sharpen the last line though, make it more specific and link it in with the rest of the logline.

  12. I think the suggestions above said it all. My only additional recommendation would be changing your title to something more compelling. I loved your first sentence. Good luck!

  13. I completely agree about mentioning the medallion at the beginning... that is, if it is the cause of her time travel, as it seems to be. My main questions are: who is this "man" meant for, and how will she destroy the life of a friend? Is she in love with an ancestor of her friend, thus threatening his/her very existence? Or will she destroy their life in some other way?

    Despite these questions, you definitely have my interest, and your logline has all the necessary elements. Gook luck!

  14. Below is take 2 of the logline. While the medallion is the key to her time travel, she doesn't know it for half the book, so I didn't want to draw too much attention to it.

    Thanks to everyone for the constructive comments!

    When a teen dancer accidentally travels backward in time to 1895 Paris, she discovers she could be the twin of a missing Jewish girl, and falls for the girl's sister's match. If Sophie doesn’t find a way home, she will face a choice between preventing the birth of a friend in her own time, or watching the man she loves marry someone else.

  15. It's getting closer. I'd remove dancer and fix "the girl's sister's match" to "and falls for a man meant for the girl's sister" or something. The two possessives read off for me.

    Also, "she discovers she could be the twin of a missing Jewish girl" needs to be stronger and more immediate. Don't use 'to be' verbs such as could be use a strong verb instead. (I was fine with mistaken - LOL - subjective.)

    Maybe work on that last sentence a bit - it's unclear. Sophie must find her way back home or destroy the lives of those she loves most - Okay, you can do better than that - just giving an example of what I mean.

    Basically, focus on the main plot and don't bring any sub-plots into the logline.

    You should have my email, if you want to send me any changes to read.

    I hope this helps some. :D

  16. Hmmm. I like the idea of this - but it seems to me that the first logline and the one you posted above are almost about two completely different books...

    Maybe combine the two?

    I was thrown in the first one by the word "girl" - I wouldn't usually put that and "falls for a man" in the same sentence.

    And above" girl's sister's match" is a confusing mouthful.

    I was also confused by "the birth of a friend in her own time"

    The story is very interesting - and I completely understand how difficult it is to get across everything that your novel is about in one sentence...

  17. The first line isn't bad except that I don't see how being mistaken for someone has anything to do with her falling for someone else's guy. It also feels like the whole medallion thing is a big jump (since we didn't know about it before here) and I have no idea who this friend is or what happened to the guy she fell for.

    Try to work on establishing the goal first (find a way home) and then set up everything else as a complication to this goal.

    Good luck!

  18. Very nice. A few things though. The "a man meant for another" is too wordy and jumbles the sentence. I would also put more information about the life of a friend being destroyed. Higher stakes. How? What will happen?

    Good luck.

  19. Who is the affluent Jewish girl, and what happens because of the mistaken identity?

    Who is the 'another' the man is meant for and what problem does that cause?

    How will not getting home destroy her friend's life, and is it a friend from the past or the future, and how does that connect to the jewish girl and the man meant for another.

    WHat is the thread that connects all these events together?