TITLE: SWIM
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy
Meredith, a seventeen-year-old Mer girl, knows she is breaking the rules when she saves a human from drowning. But she trusts herself to keep it all in control...until she falls in love with the human, her secret is found out, and a mysterious death has the Mer suspecting she is a Siren, a caller of men. Suddenly, Meredith's friendships, love, and ultimate freedom all depend on her finding answers, even if they are not the ones she wanted.
Lots of great conflict here. My only question is why this is categorized as urban fantasy--with mer-people, it seems like it would be straight fantasy.
ReplyDeleteThe first two lines made me think of the Little Mermaid. Probably not what you want.
ReplyDeleteI am more interested in the death, which seems to be mentioned as a side note here, and her being a siren. I'd focus your logline on that, and not the falling in love with the human. Just my thoughts.
I'd name the human. and find a way to combine the first two sentences. Maybe describe Meredith's underwater world a bit so I can better understand the friendships, and freedom mentioned in the last sentence?
ReplyDeleteDefinitely interested, though.
Cool premise! There's a lot of great conflict here, but possibly too much. What's her goal, and what are the stakes?
ReplyDeleteOkay, I like this, but I was stuck on the Mer because you called her one and then later you said the Mer were trying to find out if she is a siren. Did you mean all the Mer people? If so maybe you could make that more clear?
ReplyDeleteLove this.
ReplyDeleteI'm having trouble figuring out what your inciting incident is. As written, it sounds like it's saving the human but then the death also sounds like it could be one as well. If it's the former, I would expect you to define her goal as keeping the secret but that can't be her goal since you say it is found out which means it's just the setup. I think I'm having a conversation with myself now. Anyway, if her goal is to prove her innocence of the murder/obtain her freedom, then you need to re-word the other things as conflicts that will make this goal more difficult to obtain. You also need to find a way to re-word the beginning so that we know she is blamed for the murder because she kept a secret about a human she loves. I'm thinking something like, "Even though it's against Mer rules, Meredith thinks she can keep her love for a human a secret. But when her secret comes out and she is blamed for murder, Meredith has to..."
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I like Holly's suggestions, the wording is more specific. The story idea is fantastic -- love it!
ReplyDeleteFind answers to what? It sounds interesting, but the death is what caught my eye, maybe focus more on that. You could also leave out "a caller of men".
ReplyDeleteGREAT LOGLINE! The opening sentence hooked me, the hook of her being a potential Siren is ULTRA-COOL, and the title is perfect!
ReplyDeleteGOOD LUCK! AND THANK YOU FOR CREATING THIS!
Gah - Many thanks for the big brains that have come through and given some advice and comments! I will be revising tomorrow...and perhaps an updated version will be here in the comments for the brave souls who want to come back for more!
ReplyDeleteThank you thank you!
This sounds very interesting... I would definitely read it. It does remind me (at first) of the Little Mermaid, though I don't necessarily see that as a problem. I think it could be a very interesting, modern-day version of the story... especially with the nice twist of a death and the Mer suspecting her of being a siren. I guess a nit-picky thing: maybe replace the second use of the word "human" (too repetitive) with "him," or something like that... though it could just be me. Or, as Fairview suggested, you could name the human. :)
ReplyDeleteIs this a Selkie story? I recently learned about these kinds of stories :) Intriguing. I concur with the others as far as focusing on the main conflict. Good Luck!
ReplyDeleteThis reminded me of the Little Mermaid, but with a twist. Very fun! Good luck with this!
ReplyDelete