TITLE: Bloodlines - The Hourglass Bridge
GENRE: YA Historical Fantasy
When an ancient ritual hauls Diamond out of her history books and into a hidden magical civilization in the 16th century, an immortal witch threatens to destroy her ancestors, forcing her to fight for her family's survival or risk being eradicated from history itself.
Cool concept--sort of an Inkheart thing.
ReplyDeleteI'd slow down just a tad and be sure to clarify as you go so there's no confusion. Is the Diamond who comes out the real historical person, or just a figment from the book? And why does the witch care about destroying her ancestors? A bit more on motivation would make this one shine.
Very cool idea.
I wouldn't star this with 'when'.
ReplyDeleteAn ancient ritual...is a good start.
I also think 'hauls' is the wrong word. 'takes Diamond out of her history book and into a hidden magical civilization in the 16th century.
I would also break this into two sentences.
But it certainly sounds like an engaging premise for YA.
Very cool! I wouldn't change a thing.
ReplyDeleteThe concept is definitely n' stunningly STRONG. I'd love to hear more detail about the main character Diamond. Is she hooked on history books? A bookworm or a bad-ass? Anything you could add would be an added hook.
ReplyDeleteGOOD LUCK AND THANK YOU FOR CREATING THIS!
Please give us an adjective about Diamond to set the stage. I also got a bit hung up on "hauls" ... even yanks gives it a bit more oomph. Transports? Love the premise.
ReplyDeleteI'd set up Diamond in her current world. What does she do? Student? How old? What is special about Diamond that has a witch after her ancestors?
ReplyDeleteBut very imaginative. Like it.
Love this~ it was very clear to read through.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Jess. I really enjoyed this and thought it clear. Good Luck!
ReplyDeleteI want to know where Diamond begins. Does she come from the contemporary world originally? First read made it sound like she was an actual character in a book and then through the ancient ritual she was brought to life.
ReplyDeleteYou're very close to a fantastic logline here, and this sounds like an excellent read. Good luck!
Love this. I think it's solid as is!
ReplyDeleteThe begining of this is great but then your inciting incident is inciting another character (the witch) to do something that seems like another inciting incident. Whatever the incident is, it is supposed to incite your main character to form a goal and it's not doing that here. We need something like, "When..., Diamond realizes she must... which requires her to ... or she will be..."
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Love it - sounds like a great read!
ReplyDeleteThis intrigues me. I think the logline's pretty perfect :)
ReplyDeleteI'd like to know more about Diamond. She seems like an interesting character. You could also make this two sentences, for better flow. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI really like your voice and your unique idea here. You also kept it short and to the point. Perhaps just break it up into two or three short sentences and you are good to go. Fabulous job!
ReplyDelete