Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Logline Critique, Round 3 #27

TITLE: Folktale
GENRE: YA Fantasy

After being mistaken for her sister, bitter eighteen-year-old Nadine Sullivan is transported to another world full of Celtic mythical creatures. Upon learning of a plot to destroy her world and theirs, Nadine gets suckered into leading the insurrection, a job that she wasn’t trained for, might kill her, and was meant for her sister.


  1. This sounds strangely similar to Avatar. You can probably fix that by naming the plot. Leave out bitter. Leave out might kill her (if she doesn't succeed, the world will be destroyed anyway.) I get caught on suckered too. Maybe because it's slang. I get the basic plot in this so I think some cleaning up and a more specific explanation of the plot will make it shine.

  2. Oh cool!

    I think the second sentence gives us a great idea of the stakes and the conflict, but is her goal to lead the insurrection, or to get herself out of this situation? Also, I get hung up on the similar structure at the beginning of both sentences (After being, Upon learning).

  3. I think I need to know a little bit more about the sister. Are they twins? Why did she get mistaken and why are they trying to kill her sister?

  4. It sounds like Nadine is bitter BECAUSE she's being mistaken for her sister. If that's the case, I want to know a little more about her sister, perhaps throw in an adjective about her. I'd cut "another" from "another world." Makes it sound like there are TWO worlds with Celtic mythical creatures.

    Overall, I enjoyed this premise a lot. I'm most intrigued by the relationship/conflict with Nadine and her sister, so I'd play that up more.

  5. I'd also suggest a more compelling title for your novel than "Folktale."

  6. I, too, was wondering why (or how) she was mistaken for her sister. Overall, I think it just needs a little cleaning up. I did a little rewrite to show what I thinking (including some of the suggestions from others)... but take it with a grain a salt, as with all critiques. :)

    "After being mistaken for her [twin, or some other descriptor] sister, eighteen-year-old Nadine Sullivan is transported to a world full of mythical Celtic creatures. Learning of a plot to destroy both worlds, she is [persuaded, or tricked?] into leading the insurrection - [a job for which she wasn't trained!] or [a job meant for her sister!]"

    I don't know... something like that? In any case, I think you've done a really great job... and I'd be very interested in reading your story!

  7. I think this has been covered, but I'm unclear as to why being mistaken for her sister transports Nadine to another world.

    Love the Celtic mythical creatures bit!

    I'm not sure saying she's "suckered" into leading the insurrection makes me feel like rooting for her though. This generally to me means someone's a bit of a pushover, and that might not be the best word to sell your MC. Other than that, sounds like a good read!

  8. Just tight it up a little and replace 'suckered' with something else. I think you have everything that counts here, too much stuff will transform it in a query!

  9. Oooh, cool. I'd move the info about how the the job was meant for her sister to the beginning to explain why she was transported. Also, how was she mistaken? Does she look like her? Wrong place wrong time?

    Also, what's the goal of the insurrection?

    give me a teeny bit more info on those, and I'll be totally hooked. :)

    So much luck to you!

  10. A few things:
    1. Is she bitter because she has been mistaken for her sister or is she bitter for another reason? This is a strong word to use without an explanation.
    2. When you say "another world full..." does this mean her world has this too and she just arrived in a second one just like it?
    3. Your main character cannot get suckered into her goal. She can get tricked but she still has to actively accept it if you want us to root for her. Why does she decide to take this challenge? You have said that it might kill her but that she is going to die if she loses so where is the third option here? Can she overthrow whoever the antagonist is here? If so, how?

    Good luck!