Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Logline Critique, Round 3 #24

TITLE: Here Comes the Sun
GENRE: YA-Contemporary

When the soundtrack to 17-year-old Natalie's life hits a depressive rut, she jets off to England for a senior class trip in hopes of adding some classic rock to her smooth jazz. But when she meets an unavailable Beatles fanatic that has her heart screaming love songs, she's forced to inspect what threw her into her rut four years earlier before her soundtrack fizzles out.


  1. I love the musical theme, but did she really jet off to England to get out of her depressive rut (or did the trip just come up and she thought it sounded cool)? How about combining like this: When the soundtrack to 17-year-old Natalie's life hits a depressive rut, she meets an unavailable Beatles fanatic who has her heart screaming love songs, forcing her to inspect what threw her into her rut four years earlier, before her soundtrack fizzles out.

    It may be a bit rambling, but you can fix that and make this logline tighter and stronger.

  2. I like the music theme but I found the soundtrack to her life confusing. Does she have an mp3 file labeled her life? Try skipping the first part and see how it works.

    When Natalie goes to England she hopes to add some classic rock to her depressing smooth jazz lifestyle. etc.

    Are there young Beatles fanatics? How does the music fit in with the plot?

  3. I feel like the music aspects need to connect to a concrete aspect in the story. I like the music aspect but what does classic rock look like in concrete terms what does smooth jazz look like in concrete terms. For example, the smooth jazz of midterms, personal statements, homework, etc... Overall it sounds like an interesting story and I love the title.

  4. I like the music theme but not exactly sure what you mean by her soundtrack fizzling out. Do you mean she's just going to be boring if she doesn't figure out why she's in a rut? I think the music gimmick is getting in the way of telling what the story is about.

    Still, it peaked my interest.

  5. I agree with what the others said, for the most part. I think this sounds adorable~ like a British, music-infused version of the book Anna and the French Kiss :)

  6. I LOVE this logline! Your voice, humor, and creative use of music throughout were fantastic. If you added WHY music is important in her life, that would help. Is she a musician or a lover of music? That clarification would anchor everything for me. I'd also suggest tightening your last sentence to "But when an unavailable Beatles fanatic has heart screaming love songs..."
    And the "rut" is too vague as well as the latter end of the last sentence also being too wordy. But this logline stuck with me and had me smiling. Loved it! Good luck to you!!

  7. I can see what you're trying to do with this metaphor but it's not working for me. We need an actual goal and unless she is a musician who desperately needs to learn how to play a rock music, this doesn't tell me anything. What does she actually WANT to do? What will inspecting her rut accomplish? Why is her soundtrack going to fizzle out? Is she on life support?

    Good luck!

  8. I wanted to know if she was a musician as well. The music analogy works if you use some concrete reasoning. Natalie is depressed, then falls in love and has to figure out why she was depressed? Need stronger conflict. Why is she forced to inspect her depression? Good luck!

  9. This appeals to me, as I imagine your MC as a Nick Hornby-esque, music-obsessed teen. I’m just not sure I’m a big fan of the word “rut,” which took me out of the musical language both times I read it. (If rut actually is a musical term, I apologize—I’m not familiar with it as such.) I also agree with Vicki that I don’t believe she has as much agency in deciding to go on the class trip as this logline implies. Maybe something more like “she hopes that joining the senior class trip to England will add some classic rock…” would work better. A bit more specificity about the history of her depression and what’s at stake now would be great, too. But I think you have a strong start here and would be intrigued to read this!

  10. Sounds like a fun story.

    I'm wondering if the logline would work better without all the music references?

  11. I Think the log line doesn't tell us much of anything, and the musical references, while clever, are getting in the way.

    What is her musical soundtrack (her everyday life)
    What is the rut?
    Do they have a senior class trip especially for her because she's in a rut. (I'm sure they didn't, but your logline is worded that way.)
    And how does the unavailable crush force her to re-examine her life?
    And what does fizzles out mean? Will she die?

    There just isn't any real information here.