In the midst of grief, a young woman, transported to a future dominated by pale creatures that prey on humans, discovers she has a power both groups covet.
I'm itching for more of a description than "pale creatures." I also want to know what the power is. Is her ultimate choice which group to help? Pale creatures or humans?
What's her grief? That sounds like backstory, but even just a hint might help us understand her more (loss of a loved one?), if it's important for understanding the plot. And I'd like to know what her power is - telling us she has a power doesn't make this stand out from other stories. But I bet if you tell us what it is, we'll understand why the pale creatures and humans covet it and it'll up the stakes a bit.
I am wondering why she is feeling grief and what about that has her in this weird land. On that note, it is a compelling line and I think I would want to know more:)
I like this but feel it might be a bit stronger if we knew what caused the grief and just how her being grief stricken transported her to a future? (That sounds like it's populated by Morlocks :)).
A bit more detail and this will be really good- I'm already interested :).
This is way too vague. What kind of grief and how does that motivate her? Is this discovery the inciting incident that starts the story? If so, then what? We need a goal, some conflict and some consequences of failure.
I found this pretty compelling and thinks it's great for a one sentence Tweet pitch. For a logline, though, I think you need more. I wonder if/how her grief plays into her being transported into the future, and I want to know what her goal is. What stands in the way of that goal?
This is a great one sentence pitch. My only critique is I want to know more, and you have the space to add, so do it. Who are the pale creatures? What power does your MC have? What is her goal? BTW, this sounds fantastic and I would pick it up off a shelf from just this sentence alone. Good luck!
this sounds pretty cool. What is her goal? Survival? Get Home? Control the universe?
ReplyDeleteI'm itching for more of a description than "pale creatures." I also want to know what the power is. Is her ultimate choice which group to help? Pale creatures or humans?
ReplyDeleteI'd like to know more. And also what her goal is. And, more so, her conflict.
ReplyDeleteA good start though. Intriguing.
What's her grief? That sounds like backstory, but even just a hint might help us understand her more (loss of a loved one?), if it's important for understanding the plot. And I'd like to know what her power is - telling us she has a power doesn't make this stand out from other stories. But I bet if you tell us what it is, we'll understand why the pale creatures and humans covet it and it'll up the stakes a bit.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting sounding!
I am wondering why she is feeling grief and what about that has her in this weird land. On that note, it is a compelling line and I think I would want to know more:)
ReplyDeleteFor a one-sentence logline this would be clean and clear if you just cut "in the midst of grief." ----sounds just like a NYT Bestseller blurb. : )
ReplyDeleteI like this but feel it might be a bit stronger if we knew what caused the grief and just how her being grief stricken transported her to a future? (That sounds like it's populated by Morlocks :)).
ReplyDeleteA bit more detail and this will be really good- I'm already interested :).
This is way too vague. What kind of grief and how does that motivate her? Is this discovery the inciting incident that starts the story? If so, then what? We need a goal, some conflict and some consequences of failure.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
This feels too general. I'd add more specifics and flesh out the story some more. Give us a better sense of what's going on. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI found this pretty compelling and thinks it's great for a one sentence Tweet pitch. For a logline, though, I think you need more. I wonder if/how her grief plays into her being transported into the future, and I want to know what her goal is. What stands in the way of that goal?
ReplyDeleteThis is a great one sentence pitch. My only critique is I want to know more, and you have the space to add, so do it. Who are the pale creatures? What power does your MC have? What is her goal? BTW, this sounds fantastic and I would pick it up off a shelf from just this sentence alone. Good luck!
ReplyDelete