TITLE: Message from Panama
GENRE: Mystery/Thriller
When Pen Smith receives a letter summoning him to Panama, he has no idea it will lead to a fabulous inheritance and a brazen daylight shooting. And that’s only the beginning. In an effort to find the perpetrator and save his life, he will be stalked and embezzled, travel through one of the most lawless jungles of the world, and come face-to-face and gun-to-gun with the notorious FARC narco-terrorists of Columbia. Will Pen survive? Only the final pages of MESSAGE FROM PANAMA can tell.
First off, I don't think you ever want to ask a question at the end like this and then draw attention to the book title. I could be totally wrong, but it felt weird. I heard the movie announcer voice.
ReplyDeleteMy other confusing moment was this line: "In an effort to find the perpetrator and save his life, he will be stalked and embezzled..." that doesn't make sense. Is he stalking himself? How do you embezzle a person?
Once those are cleaned up, I think you have an interesting story.
You're right, Charity. Fixed! Thanks!
ReplyDeleteNot sure what advice I can give if you followed Charity's advice without seeing the newer version, but I would add a hint as to the reason for all this calamity befalling our character ie: dirty inheritance money, side of the family he never knew - secrets revealed type explanation.
ReplyDeleteBeing embezzled stopped me. Embezzling is something a person does to a company, not something that happens to a person, right? And since most of us don't know who the Colombian narco-terrorists are, I think you could save some verbiage by speaking of them in more general terms. We don't need to know that they're notorious, just that they're scary and dangerous.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Charity again...you're good at this, girl.
ReplyDeleteAlso don't need: And that's only the beginning and last two sentences. Maybe a bit about what he n eeds to do to survive instead.
I had the same issues with "embezzled" and the question at the end.
ReplyDeleteIMHO, you could cut about half of this and get to the heart of things:
ReplyDelete"When a letter summons Pen Smith to Panama, he has no idea it will lead to a brazen daylight shooting. In an effort to find the perpetrator, he will travel through one of the most lawless jungles of the world, and come face-to-face and gun-to-gun with the notorious FARC narco-terrorists of Columbia."
Just a thought. Best of luck!
Okay, I think someone else has already said this but for anyone else reading, never ever ever ask a question in your logline or query. Ever. Okay, back to the logline.
ReplyDeleteThis needs to be written in the present active tense. For example, "When Pen receives a letter..., he find himself with the witness to a brutal shooting."
After that, we need to know what this incites him to do (find the perp) and why (?) Then, you can give us the challenges, (stalked, jungle...) and tell us what will happen if he doesn't find the perp.
The final line might be okay for a query but it doesn't belong here.
Good luck!
Holly
Sounds like an exciting story - now you need to give your logline that same urgency. Shorter sentences, tighter wording, less examples, but it sounds like you've already started working on it :) Keep up the great work!
ReplyDeleteI'm not great at log lines but I'll add my two cents to what's already been said. I'd revise like this:
ReplyDeleteA letter summons Pen Smith to Panama, where he witnesses a brazen daylight shooting and is forced to run for his life through a lawless jungle. In order to save himself, he must solve the murder, but when he comes gun-to-gun with notorious Colombian narco-terrorists, Pen isn't sure he'll survive.
I'm not sure if my version is better, but I gave it a try. There's a great story in here and you just need to tighten things up in order to bring it out more.
Best of luck!