TITLE: The Road to Pieces
GENRE: YA Punk Urban Fantasy
Ever since her mother took her twin away, fifteen-year-old Amanda Javeaux has been running life's red lights—sharing ice cream cones with demon boys and climbing barbed wire fences in the middle of the night. That is, until she finds Undertown, a lawless underworld run by the same demons her mother hunts for a living. Here, Amanda is about to uncover a dark secret about her past and her family, at a price she’s not sure she wants to pay.
I really like the premise of this so bravo! It is a bit long and I think you could rework it to shorten. Perhaps take out the reference to her twin and include it in the dark secret part. Perhaps rewrite the second and third sentence to one sentence. Otherwise, I'm hooked!
ReplyDeleteA great, super-dark sounding story! I'm curious about the "twin" that was taken away, which sounds very mysterious n' VERY COOL, n' I love the otherworld storyline. My only suggestion would be (since you label it "Punk Urban Fantasy") to make the logline or the main character sound more "punk," add even MORE of a dark side to the logline...
ReplyDeleteFANTASTIC!! GOOD LUCK N' THANK YOU FOR POSTING THIS!
I'm confused as to why the twin is mentioned. As is, the bit about her mother being a demon hunter feels thrown in.
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing here, but is Amanda hanging out with all the demon boys because her mother hunts them and its her way of getting revenge for the loss of her twin?
Sounds like a fun read.
I love the line, "has been running life's red lights" - great visual! The question immediately on my mind was when did the mother take the twin away? Has Amanda been acting out since birth? Since last week? If you're going to mention the twin as the catalyst to bad behavior you might consider a timeframe reference.
ReplyDeleteTo shorten the second sentance, add "demon-hunting mother" in the first sentance. This makes the second sentance go away completely by adding a reference in the last sentance about the setting being Undertown.
Your voice is very strong and what you have hear is lyrical, despite the dark undertones. I would read on based on that alone.
ReplyDeleteMy only confusion/place where it wasn't as strong is the sentence beginning "here" maybe begin with "In Undertown?"
I love the first sentence, and would consider picking this up (though I don't really read urban fantasy that much) based on that alone. The last sentence loses me a little bit, though, since it feels a lot less specific. Is there any way you could connect the conflict she faces in sentences 2 and 3 to the recklessness you describe so well at the beginning?
ReplyDeleteI really liked the setting and character. I think you, in just a few words, captured the world you created.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I felt like I was missing the conflict. For all the great details about the MC and the world, the conflict was just too generalized.
But I really like the concept.
Love the ice cream line! As others have suggested, I'd delete the part about the mother taking away her twin. It introduces questions that you can't answer in a logline, and the family secrets reference covers it. That would also shorten it a bit. Very intriguing!
ReplyDeleteI also agree with the taking the bit about the twin away. And I'm not quite sure how finding Undertown with demons is that significant when she shares ice cream cones with demon boys...
ReplyDeleteBut despite this confusion, I felt that this logline was pretty solid and intriguing. If I saw this book at a bookstore, I'd pick it up and read it.
As written, you make it sound like finding underworld changes her but I don't actually see evidence of change. Other than that, we need to know what Amanda WANTS out of underworld. Does she go there so she can find a dark secret? If so, say that. If she finds it while trying to do something else, say that instead. Finally, "a price she's not sure she wants to pay" is way too vague for the conflict. What are the actual stakes here? Why does it matter?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I really like this. Your voice is strong and interesting. I would totally turn to the first page. My only thing is the mention of the twin. I'm not sure if you need to be that specific.
ReplyDeleteThis is great. How about "15-year-old Amanda Javeaux has been running life's red lights--sharing ice cream cones with demon boys and climbing barbed wire fences in the middle of the night--when she discovers she has a twin living in Undertown, a lawless underworld run by the same demons her mother hunts for a living.
ReplyDelete