TITLE: Deep Within
GENRE: YA Dark Fantasy
A growing darkness deep within fifteen-year-old Rowan Dimity urges her to kill. Afraid power will only make it worse, she refuses to embrace her heritage and become a witch. When a heart eating witch and pack of wolves in men's clothing threaten to destroy her island home and everyone on it, Rowan must face her fears and become a witch in order to save them. In the process she discovers what the darkness within is and realizes she'll never be rid of it—and that's fine with her.
I get the overall idea of the story, but you should be able to trim this down. Which is the bigger threat? The Darkness within her or the evil witch and wolves? Do they need to be identified specifically or can they simply represent "the threat/conflict" for your story? You have strong elements here - just need to trim it down.
ReplyDeleteHmm, the story sounds fascinating, but this is a bit long. (I know mine is too long too!)
ReplyDeleteAnyway, here is a suggestion.
Rowan Dimity refuses to become a witch in an effort to fight the growing darkness within. Unfortunately, the only way to save her island from a heart eating witch and pack of wolves in men's clothing is to embrace that darkness.
That hits most of your points, but you'll have to figure out how to work in "that's fine with her". That's a nice bit of voice, btw.
Do you need "heart eating"?
I really like the premise here but agree with others that this needs trimming. I think Charity's revision is excellent!
ReplyDeleteNo matter how you shorten this, be aware of how many times you use the word 'witch' and try to space it out a little ie: mention the pack of wolves first and then the heart-eating witch.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great little description and the hardest part is the trimmings without losing explanation or depth of storyline. Good luck!
Intriguing premise...and doing a comparison of the original and what Charity recommended, I can still get the same thing - just fewer words.
ReplyDeleteWow!
ReplyDeleteAs I was reading, I thought that the grammar needed to be double-checked, but the end was a real zinger!
I like it.
Also, the first line was a great hook.
"When...on it" is not a complete sentence, and this confused me.
The word "witch" is used three times. Is there a way to get around it?
It sounds like a good story.
Some interesting stuff here, but "witch" is said too many times. Trim this down two sentences.
ReplyDeleteMany of the above comments say the same thing, but it's always good to hear it from multiple people (it's the best way to know there is a problem.)
Seems to be a good story, but definitely need to trim this.
ReplyDeleteWitches and wolves - kind of all we need to know about the antagonists.
Try starting with 'The darkness...' - I think that might make the darkness almost it's own character, as it seems to be from your end comments.
I like the 'that's fine with her', like Charity said, it's a nice way to show your voice.
I mostly agree with Charity Bradford. I would definitely cut the last sentence, as "that's fine with her" undercuts the compelling conflict you've set up. You could also be more specific about "a growing darkness" in the first sentence without giving its nature away... how does it manifest itself? Voices in her head? Hallucinations?
ReplyDeleteLike everyone else has already said, it's a little long. You could probably combine the first two sentences without losing any crucial information ("Fifteen-year-old Rowan Dimity refuses to embrace her heritage and become a witch, afraid it will only encourage a growing darkness within her" or something like that). I also agree that you shouldn't use "witch" as many times as you did, especially considering how close the first and second instances are.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how much I like the last sentence; it seems (to me) like you're revealing too much of the plot. Also, in the beginning Rowan was afraid of the darkness, and now she's totally cool with it. It's a pretty dramatic change that threw me off a bit. However, it seems like a really cool idea (her learning what it is and not minding at all).
One nitpicky detail: I'm pretty sure it should be a "heart-eating witch", not a "heart eating witch".
agree with the others. A bit too long. I get the feel of the conflict, though, and it does seem a great plot.
ReplyDelete1. I don't understand "power will only make it worse". Do you mean the growing darkness or the urges? And why would she think this? Finally, these two lines are both meant to esablish her as a character and we really only need one line at most for this and it should end with the inciting incident.
ReplyDelete2. The sentence, "When..." seems to be pretty good as far as establishing incident and resulting goal although it is a little unclear why SHE must be the one to stop the witches and wolves.
3. The last line isn't really adding much to this. We need conflict here. You can list her inner struggle as conflict but if you do, it has to oppose the goal. You are also saying that this is happening "in the process" of her becoming a witch. Is this whole book about her becoming one (meaning, does it end with her change)? If not and she actually becomes one before she starts the struggle to save them, you need to change this so it's clear that her inner arc happens during the struggle to save them rather than during the struggle to become a witch.
5. Final comment: what happened to her urge to kill? If you tell us that becoming a witch will make this stronger, you need to wrap up by telling us what happens to that. Honestly, I'm not sure if you need this part. It depends on how essential it is to the plot.
Good luck!
Holly
Whoa! I like this.
ReplyDeleteCut bits and pieces of it to give it punch. Example: Darkness within fifteen-year-old Rowan urges her to kill.
IMHO, short sentences with clear verbs and nouns smack the reader upside the head.
Good job. Especially the last line.
Sounds cool! I love witches. :)
ReplyDeleteI think you can cut the first line altogether, then change the second half of the first line to "Rowan must embrace her heritage and become a dark witch - something that has always terrified her.
Then I think you can end with something much more pared down, like, "But is the darkness within her as terrible as she thought?"
Or something. :)
So much luck to you! Sounds like a really awesome story.
The ending was intriguing!
ReplyDeleteI was a little confused by pack of wolves in men's clothing. It's a play on a cliche but maybe there's a different way to get the point across.