TITLE: Her Old Eyes
GENRE: YA mystery
When sixteen-year-old Mira's environmentalist friend dies in a freak accident, she suspects the local mine owner and his best buddy, the corrupt police chief, to be behind it. She has to do something – and fast –or her mother is next in line to be murdered.
This sounds like an interesting read but I'd like to see the freak accident better connected to possible murder. Something like a suspicious accident would do it for me. One nitpick -- I think the end of the sentence would be stronger if you said "are" instead of "to be."
ReplyDeleteNice mystery. For a tighter line you could drop "his best buddy". "Corrupt Police Chief is strong on it's own. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteThe premis of this story sounds interesting and full of good ol' fashioned political secrets. I found it an odd connection to all of a sudden know that Mira's mother was in danger so a different beginning might be, "Sixteen-year-old Mira and her mother have good reason to be afraid when their environmentalist friend dies in a suspicious freak accident..."
ReplyDeleteThis is really good. I think you could trim a little and make it more specific:
ReplyDeleteWhen sixteen-year-old Mira's environmentalist friend dies in a supposed accident, she suspects the local mine owner and the corrupt police chief. She must (insert what she specifically needs to do, or try to do) - or her mother...
Good luck, I like the sound of this :)
I agree with Ruth--I wanted something a little more specific in the last sentence. Otherwise, this was really good.
ReplyDeleteDitto the last few comments, but what I really like about it, is it has a Nancy Drew/old time mystery feel to it. Like the kind of book you'd like to curl up with on a rainy day and a cup of cocoa. I agree though it could all be tied together just a little more strongly.
ReplyDeleteSounds interesting.
ReplyDeleteYou might try to find a way to show Mira's age, rather than tell it.
The last line left me a little flat. Try "If she doesn't ________, her mother will be next."
Otherwise, I think it sounds like a good teen mystery.
My first question was, how does Mira immediately know that her mother is next in line? There's no evidence in what you have hear to suggest that here, so you might want to either add why her mother would be next in line. (The sense I got was that her mother was also an environmentalist, so you could then write "...or she fears her environmentalist mother is next in line to be murdered"; but obviously if she's not an environmentalist, that wouldn't work.)
ReplyDeleteBesides that, though, this is great--it's not too long, it's exciting, and it has drama.
Love the YA mystery/environmental angle...there isn't much out there like that!
ReplyDeleteFor the log-line, I agree with the above comments. I especially would like to see just a bit more to connect Mira's mother to all of this, so that the mother being brought up in the last few words isn't a shocker.
I mostly like the first line although I would change "to be behind it" to "are behind it" and I would get rid of "his best buddy".
ReplyDeleteAfter that, you really need to establish WHY she thinks SHE has to be the one to do something and WHY she thinks her mother is next. Once you've done that, we need to see some conflict here. Are the mine owner and police chief going to try to stop her from catching them? If so, how?
The main point here is to try to focus on why this is Mira's struggle.
Good luck!
Holly
This sounds really intriguing!
ReplyDeleteI'd like to know a little more about how Mira's mother is involved and why she's next in line to be murdered. Just a tidbit or two would be great!
I like this one. It sounds interesting.:) All the elements are here but I would like to see something more specific than "she has to do something." As it is it's hard to get excited about what she's going to do!
ReplyDeleteNice start :)
I like this idea, but the two sentences seem like they don't quite connect. Like you need another sentence or part of a sentence in there somewhere.
ReplyDeleteGood Luck!