TITLE: A SINGLE FEATHER
GENRE: YA fantasy romance
When Chief Mamo meets carefree commoner Kila, all he wants is to throw off his island's traditions to be with her. But his position and the safety of his island are being threatened by a wicked man, and if he pursues Kila, he will lose everything else.
This is nice and short, but I think it's a little too vague. First it seems like we need to know what those traditions are (i.e. is the chief going to call down the hatred of the gods for being with a commoner? or is it just a social stigma?). Also, the wicked man could be more specific. Is he a murderer? Is he a hunter of souls? Is he a guy who walks around stealing ice cream from children? Those are facetious examples, but I'm sure you get my drift.
ReplyDeleteI think this could work better if you make the stakes and the conflict more clear.
Good luck.
This is excellent! I'd only suggest adding more detail to the "wicked man" so that we understand the story's conflict. Also I'd love to know the ages of the protagonists (mostly because "Chief" sounds like an adult to me). Otherwise, this sounds like a classic romantic storyline n' could be powerful!
ReplyDeleteGREAT WORK! GOOD LUCK N' THANK YOU FOR POSTING THIS!
I love the island setting in a fantasy genre, this would be an interesting read for your imaginative take on that!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above comments to clear up the vague, wicked man. In the last sentance be careful, "he" could easily be read as referring to the wicked man and not Chief Mamo.
I agree with the previous comments about making the conflict a little more clear, maybe by being more specific. Also maybe if the Chief is young that could be included giving the reader a better idea of what is at stake: reputation, status, his Future, etc.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise this is a great start. I also like that it has an island setting. Maybe also be a little more specific about where, time period... Would absolutely read more!
If the genre was adult historical romance and placed on a pacific island, I'd say well written.
ReplyDeleteI'm a little confused about the mc - is it Mamo? He doesn't sound YA to me.
You may need to include something that tells us what the fantasy element is.
Oh, think about changing "throw off" to "abandon" although there are other ways to rephrase that part of the sentence.
Sounds like a fun setting though!
I thought that it was a pretty good logline.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you could be more specific about the wicked man. How is he wicked?
Ending with the word "else" does not sound very strong.
1. You tell us that all he wants is Kila and then say that the consequences of him getting her are losing everything else but you've just told us that all he wants is her. So does he want her AND his position or not?
ReplyDelete2. I find the whole wicked man thing too vague. How is this man going to make Cheif Mamo lose everything? And what is everything? His job? His family? his friends?
Good luck!
Holly
I didn't see anything that refers to the fantasy part, but it does sound interesting. I would read it. ;-)
ReplyDeleteThis is a great logline but the only problem is that I'm not getting much of a YA vibe here. I agree with GSMarlene that Chief Mamo doesn't sound YA. But then again, I might be wrong.
ReplyDeleteTry adding in the characters' ages and see what happens. And I agree that more info about the wicked man would be nice.
I'm wondering if this is YA. Someone who's already a chief isn't a teenager, right? Also, I need some clarification on the conflict - "a wicked man," as others said, could be fleshed out, not to mention what Mamo's actually doing. We know what he CAN'T do - pursue Kila - but we don't know what he IS doing.
ReplyDeleteThis makes me worry that the entire novel is Mamo debating whether he should go for the girl or keep the island safe. Can you make him feel more proactive? Take us on a journey.
Best of luck!
This is a good start but I'd like a more specific description of the "island traditions" so that I'd care more about him "throwing them away."
ReplyDeleteThe description of the protagonist sounded awkward. Who is the wicked man, and why is he a threat?
Overall, I think this is an interesting premise. Good luck :)
Love the logline until I get to the wording "a wicked man". It throws me off. I think because it's too vague. Maybe add some more information about this character. Then later in the sentence when you say "he" twice gramatically the reader doesn't know if he refers to Chief Mamo or the wicked man.
ReplyDeleteThank you sooo much everyone! I appreciate all of your comments and feel much more confident in knowing what I need to tweak to make it better. Mahalo!
ReplyDelete