Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Logline Critique, Round 3 #31

TITLE: Cloaked In Fur
GENRE: Urban Fantasy

With Daciana’s human boyfriend abducted by a vengeful alpha, chances are he will become chump food, so she will do whatever it takes to save him, even if it means revealing her inner monster at the risk of losing both her pack family and his love.

12 comments:

Janice Sperry said...

I'm assuming you're talking werewolves? You might want to mention that. Chump food is slang so cut it. It's one really long sentence. Cut it up for clarity sake.

A.E. Martin said...

I agree with Janice, state what kind of alpha we are dealing with so we know the type of creatures that exist in your book. Was he abducted because of issues between Daciana and the vengeful alpha?

Maggie said...

This is pretty good! I can see the stakes and inciting incident, but what she needs to accomplish is kind of vague. I'm not sure what "revealing her inner monster" means, or how that risks losing her pack/family OR his love.

I'm not asking you to reveal it all... I just feel like I want things to be a little clearer, so I go "Ooooh! She would do that for him?" kinda thing.

Overall though, good job.

Ginger Tsang said...

1. 'so' in the first sentance feels like unnecessary weak filler. She can't be wishy washy, 'she is determined' or something along those lines is stronger.
2. Not clear on why Daciana's inner beast would result in losing her 'pack family'. Are they not an animalistic family of some sort based upon your description of them?
3. Be careful on your use of 'he' to always refer to the boyfriend. Your first 'he' could easily refer to the vengeful alpha. The second 'he' comes after mentioning her pack family. Best correction would be to intro him by name and use it when talking about him.
Good luck with this!

Rena said...

I agree with both Ginger and Janice, but I have to say I was pretty confused.

Because of the title "Cloaked in Fur," I assumed that our MC was actually a were human, and that her boyfriend was actually another wolf, an otherwise normal wolf. If they're all werewolves then that changes things, but since you don't say one way or another, I'm pretty confused.

Heather N. Riffle said...

I agree about the use of “chump food.” Maybe look for another interesting way to imply the trouble he is in? I assumed, as well, that you were talking about werewolves, based on the use of terms like “alpha” and “pack,” but others might not feel it is clear enough, so you may want to state it somewhere. Do humans not know about werewolves, or does her boyfriend just not know that she is one? Do you mean that if she reveals her true nature to a human, she will have gone against pack rules, thus losing them/her family? And, in the process, possibly scaring her human boyfriend off? This could probably be made clearer without giving too much away. All in all, though, I am very interested in your story. I’d love to know what happens!

Kathryn Purdie said...

Great suggestions above. I'd break this into two sentences. The second beginning with "Daciana must do whatever it takes to save him..."

tarak said...

I agree you need to tell us exactly what the alpha is (I also assumed werewolves). And I'd break it into two sentences. "When Daciana's human boyfriend is abducted... She must do whatever it takes to save him..." It definitely sounds like an interesting story.

Stephanie Diaz said...

I'm also wondering what the alpha is. Other than that, I think this works if you break it up so it's not just one sentence. :)

Leigh Ann said...

Wow! Sounds intense! :)

Even though it may be obvious, I'd like to hear something about the werewolves too.

I'd also like to see a clearer description of the inciting event. Why was he abducted? Why is he valuable? and what can she do to save him?

I have to say I love that it's the boy who's human here. :)

Good luck!

Holly Bodger said...

This is way too much information for one sentence. Loglines are allowed to be up to 100 words and can have 2-4 sentences. Don't try to squish everything in, just so you can use 1.

You need to word this so the abduction incites the story and creates the goal to save him. After that, you can tell us what/who will make him difficult to save and add the complication of her own inner monster (whatever that means). Finally, we need some motivation for the abduction. Is he trying to get back at her for something? Out her?

Good luck!
Holly

Barbara said...

This raised lots of questions for me.

Alpha what?
Why was her boyfriend abducted?
And why abducted as opposed to killed? (What does the alpha want?)
What is whatever it takes?
What/who is her inner monster?
Is the vengeful alpha part of her pack family, and what is he avenging? Why?

Answering the questions will reveal plot rather than a series of events.