Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Logline Critique, Round 3 #7

TITLE: CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE CYBORG
GENRE: YA Sci-Fi

When Maggie learns she's a cyborg, she runs away, accidentally kidnaps her nerdy neighbor, and hunts for her Maker - the only one who can make her human again.

16 comments:

  1. I like this line, it's nice and to the point. I only tripped up at "accidentally kidnaps." I'm just confused as to how that would be possible. Could you phrase that bit another way? Otherwise, good job!

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  2. the accidentally kidnaps didn't throw me because I've seen your query. But I could see how it could be confusing. I would love to read this. It sounds awesome. My only concern is that the sentence is a bit long and could be split into two. But it's just a matter of preference. It certainly wouldn't stop me from reading.

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  3. Oh, hey, CTC! I agree with Janice. Can you change "accidentally kidnaps" to "discovers a stowaway?" That might do it.

    Eeeek! Best of luck!

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  4. Make her human again? This confuses me. Was she previously human?

    Does she runaway to hunt down her Maker?

    Or does she runaway for another reason.

    I am feeling all these things are disconnected. If she ran away to try to find her Maker then I would like that connection.

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  5. Original! Like it.

    how does one "accidentally" kidnap someone? Agree with the above - "stowaway" is better.

    Is the nerdy neighbor the love interest?

    And was she always a cyborg? I'd lose the "Again" or explain how she used to be human once?

    and why does she run away? maybe "sets out to find her Maker" instead

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  6. Fantastic, n' SO SIMPLE! I LOVE IT!! I'd suggest removing the word "accidentally." Otherwise, this ROCKS!!

    GOOD LUCK AND THANK YOU FOR CREATING THIS!

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  7. I love this. And I've no problem with 'accidentally kidnaps' - she didn't mean to do it and that implies she's a good person, er, I mean cyborg, trying to do the right thing.

    The only thing I question is the word 'again'. If she was human before, and can be restored to the way she was, then it's fine.

    Good luck with this, I think it's a real winner :)

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  8. Accidentally didn't bother me. While her goal seems clear, what is the conflict? And what are the stakes beyond not becoming human (or why does becoming human matter so much)?

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  9. Hmm, I was also wondering what accidently kidnaps meant. I do think it is cute though and kind of goes with the short stumble upon kind of way about this log line, so I'm not sure I don't like it.

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  10. Your inciting incident is not inciting her goal as written here. You need to say, "When Maggie learns she's a cyborg, she decides to search for her Maker...". Having said that, you need to give us some more information about Maggie and being a cyborg so we understand WHY she doesn't want to be one.

    After that, you need to give us some conflicts. Accidentally kidnapping her neighbour isn't a conflict unless he is going to stop her from finding the Maker. Also, "runs away" sounds like something you do to get away from everything and not something you do when you are running TO something (like a goal!)

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  11. How about "unintentionally kidnaps" here? I like the humor in sci-fi. The title is a little generic, but the story sounds fun. Maybe a little Pinnochio, but that's a proven motif.

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  12. Knowing your story, I think this works as a start, but you could include more of the actual conflict with the other cyborgs. Flesh it out a little more. Love the premise, as always :)

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  13. The Author of This LoglineOctober 13, 2011 at 9:50 AM

    Thank you so much for the feedback everyone! :) I have another slightly longer version of my logline (still under 100 words) - perhaps this works better?

    When seventeen-year-old Maggie Lyons learns she's a cyborg—and that her parents had everything to do with it—she runs away, accidentally kidnapping her nerdy neighbor in the process. Terrified of what could happen if the wrong people discover her condition, she launches a cross-country hunt for her Maker—the only one who can make her human again. But when she meets the others like her, she finds out there's a lot more to be afraid of than winding up under a microscope.

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  14. Your longer version better :) I still would change "accidentally kidnapping" - I liked discovers a stowaway idea. Good luck!

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  15. I like the longer version! I'd change "accidentally" to "unintentionally". Other than that, I think this is great.

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  16. LOVE the longer version!! Especially the reveal re: the parents.

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