Wednesday, October 19, 2011

October Secret Agent #16

TITLE: Uriel's Fall
GENRE: Fantasy

Mortality wasn’t the epic adventure I had imagined. I paused near the diner kitchen, blowing strands of black out of my eyes and resisting the urge to take off my worn sneaker and rub my foot. Supposedly that kind of thing was unsanitary. It wasn’t like I let the dirt stick to my hands. Talk about gross.
And then my sore feet didn’t matter anymore. Pain scored my flesh like razors opening the skin and heat cauterizing the wound in a single swipe. I looked at my arms in horror before remembering I wasn’t going to see anything.

I never did when creepy devoid-of-emotion-to-the-point-it-literally-hurt guy was in the diner. Why did he have to ruin one of the best aspects of being tangible? Empathy becoming physical sensation was incredible…unless he was around, sucking all the feeling from the room.

He’s back, a voice whispered.

Thanks for the update, miss obvious. I ignored the muttering of the captured demons sharing my mind. I scanned Formica tables and vinyl benches until I spotted him across the room. At least he wasn’t in my section.

He’s like Ace.

That voice was always loudest.

Not worth your attention. Focus. Gentleman on table twelve.

The others ran together until I couldn’t tell them apart.

“Shut up.” I hoped no one heard me talking to myself.


  1. You're very skilled at setting the scene right away - great job!

    Question: you state your MC feels empathy literally but that the guy at table 12 sucks all the emotion from the room. So why does she feel the pain/heat on her arms if there's no emotion? It seems contradictory.
    Also, IMO, Miss Obvious, first letter in caps for title.
    I'm not a big fan of fantasy but I would read on.

  2. This opening leaves me with so many questions I's just have to read on. Who is Ace? Why does a lack of emotion cause pain? Who's on table 12?

    Miss Obvious should be capitalized, but other than that, I can't see any other technical problems here.

  3. I like this and would read on.

    I was thrown by a few things in the first paragraph--'strands of black' made me wonder if the strands were hair or string or what. 'take off my worn sneaker' made me wonder if she only had one sneaker.

    I'm confused about lots of other things here, but in a good way. It's the kind of confusion that makes me read on to find out more.

  4. I love your voice. The strands of black didn't bother me, and neither did the sneaker. Although, reading it again I can kind of see the sneaker thing. You could fix it by making it plural. you do refer to 'feet' in the next paragraph.

    I got all kinds of delicious thoughts as to the empathy becoming physical potential. Nice juxtaposition with creepy guy bringing pain.

    Love the voices and the demons. My MC only has one, so kudos to yours for putting up with many.

    This brings up lots of questions, so I would definitely keep reading.

    Good luck! I think you've been at this about as long as I have. It should be our turn, right? Keeping fingers crossed for you.

  5. I thought the problem here was too much telling. I'm not feeling any emotions here at all. Maybe in the opening show her in a waitress uniform, say what the strands of black are (I assumed hair, but you never know in fantasy) Maybe she can actually start to undo a shoe to rub her feet and someone yells at her.

    The next parg she has pain scoring her flesh like razors cutting into skin. It sounds horrible, yet she doesn't even flinch. If it's that bad, shouldn't she have a reaction?

    And perhaps let us hear the voices arguing in her head, and give us a desription of the horrible guy.

    Give us images we can envisage rather than generalities.

  6. I love the first line. I think it's wonderfully intriguing. :D

    Sneaker? Only one food? Black strands? Black hair? Yes, I feel what other people are saying on this.

  7. Very interesting. I would definitely read on. Great ideas here, and lots of questions to be answered later.

    Great job! Good luck!

  8. I'm very confused. What was the pain all about? What caused it? that part got dropped when MC got on the tangent of the devoid of emotion guy. And I don't get the sentence about not letting the dirt stick to the hand--seems to be hinting at the unusualness of the character, but not strongly enough for me to make a picture of how she/he is different than usual.

    I think you need to slow down a little, and not introduce quite so much all at once. If you do that I think this could be very intriguing. Obviously some interesting stuff going on, just make sure it's mysterious rather than confusing.

  9. Some intriguing things, but I find myself just too confused. Does “I wasn’t going to see anything” mean she’s struck blind? Or is it just in reference to potential wounds? Was “Not worth your attention. Focus. Gentleman on table twelve” the narrator’s thoughts or another demon? Why would the narrator speak aloud rather than mentally tell the demons to shut up? Like I say, not bad, but I’m not exactly drawn in.