Wednesday, February 20, 2013

February Secret Agent #13

TITLE: Blind Fate
GENRE: Paranormal Romance

The elderly woman panted as she struggled up the final set of stairs, clinging to the thin railing, hoping against hope that the enemy had not yet reached this far, that the precious lives she hoped to save still burned brightly. Harsh breaths filled her ears, her lungs laboring under the unexpected effort, but the noise did little to block the screams as her family fought for their lives against the invaders. Invaders? That was too kind a word for the demons who’d come out of nowhere, bypassing every security precaution with an ease that permitted only one conclusion. House Alexx had been betrayed. But by whom? And why? What motive could there be for such a slaughter? Who could benefit from such a thing?

She cast such speculation from her thoughts, intent on her desperate mission. The demons had somehow materialized directly into the nursery, slaying at will, cackling with glee as they tore out the very heart out of the House. But they were creatures of the dark spaces beneath the earth. They could not have known that the House’s greatest treasures were birthed on the highest floor, the very place the old woman now strove to reach before it was too late.

She stumbled as she reached for the plain door marking the servants stairs, her tired body faltering as demon lightning flashed, blinding her briefly, destroying everything in its path. A priceless antique vase flew through the air to shatter against the wall, porcelain shards raining like brittle snow.


  1. First, I'm curious about what's going on here that's necessitating the woman's retreat to the door, but I'm confused about who, exactly, is the POV character.

    Is it House Alexx? Is it the elderly woman? Are they together? Are they the same person?

    I was confused because this is a romance, and usually I expect the first character "on stage" to be one of the leads. Not that an elderly woman couldn't be a romance lead, but my mind started drifting off, wondering "Is this a time travel thing? Is House Alexx going back in time to a younger age?" and "Maybe the female main character is one of those treasures on the highest floor."

    I guess, this read like a prologue to me. There's movement, here, but I'm not sure who I should be invested in yet.

    I'd read on, though, to satisfy that curiosity.

  2. I also felt like this was very prologue-y and we were going to switch to the MC later in life (maybe she's one of the treasures).

    I got really distracted in this narrative, though, because of all the internal thoughts that I just didn't think the old woman would be pondering during the immediacy of this crisis.

    I did think it was interesting that there's something more important to them than those in the nursery, and I'm curious to find out what and why.

  3. I felt a strong emotional connection to the old woman's plight. Her tension rings off the page. Well written, with a smooth flow and strong pace. The last sentence is an example of great sensory detail, drawing me into the moment.

  4. I agree that old woman's internal thoughts seem out of place in a crisis situation. It slows down the action.

    The woman pants and then her lungs labored -- don't think you need so much description.

    Also, the idea that the porcelain rained down like brittle snow popped me (because snow falls gently and isn't brittle). The shards will be flying with some speed.

    There's enough here that I'd read more! Good luck.

  5. I think the description is perfect. The tension is palpable. I'd definitely keep reading! In fact, I really want to know what happens next.

  6. I think you do a nice job at setting up tension/conflict. And I felt the writing was strong.

    I think you could build up to the attack a little bit more. What was happening before?

    I would agree with Heather that this seems like a prologue, but I'm curious to see where the story the goes with the "treasures."