TITLE: Blue Fang
GENRE: YA
Brothers, Will and Mikey, live together in an apartment. Will supplements his income by removing ‘marked’ electronics from select stores and selling them. This is younger Mikey’s first venture.
We're there!" Mikey hit the back of the seat.
Will shut off the car and turned to Mikey. He put his index finger over his lips. "Shhhh. From now on, until we're back home, no talking unless absolutely necessary. Understand?" Will whispered.
Mikey nodded and mimicked Will's finger.
Will continued in a hushed tone. “You only do what I say. When I say it’s time to leave, we leave. Don’t touch anything not marked with an ‘X’. You bring the smaller boxes near the front of the store to the back near the receiving window. Got all that?”
Mikey nodded and smiled. “I’ll be real good.”
Will put a black knit hat over Mikey's light brown hair. He pulled another over his hair, though his was a darker brown. "And keep your gloves on."
Will's blue eyes met Mikey's gray ones until Mikey's head bobbed again.
"Good. Let's go." Will mouthed the words, making no sound.
They exited the car, heading for the delivery window. On the way to the delivery window, Will stopped at the alarm box.
In front of the box holding the wiring to the alarm system, Will flexed his shoulders loosening his muscles under his leather jacket. He clasped his hands and thrust them out in front of him, fingers facing him, until the knuckles cracked. Satisfied, he took out his picks from an inner pocket in his jacket.
Opening the locked box in seconds with his picks, he cut all the wires.
Nice use of language. Mikey reads pretty young -- is he? Nice tension, too.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting, in a great way. I'm guessing Mikey is either young or challenged in some way. He mouths the words, nods three times. I can feel him waiting for instructions.
ReplyDeleteConsider deleting the "Will whispered tag" from para 3. You showed us he was keeping his voice down. Good luck!
I'm going to cheerlead for a second and say this sounds interesting;I'd totally read it! I would consider making a few changes though, like maybe:
ReplyDelete"We're there!" Mikey said, as he hit the back of the seat.
"Shhhh," Will whispered. "From now on..."
"You only do what I say," Will continued in a hushed tone. "When I say it's time..."
Will flexed his shoulders as he stood in front of the box that held the wiring for the alarm system, loosening his muscles under his leather jacket.
I don't think "Will whispered" and "WIll continued in a hushed tone" are both needed. I think we can tell Will is smart and would be saying these things quietly. At least one of those could go?
ReplyDeleteAlso thinking of his hair as being darker brown while in the midst of a caper seemed a bit off...why does this matter here? And the eye colour? Seems an odd thing to think about at this moment.
Other than that, I do wish Will and Mikey well.
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