Title: A Tale of Two Kingdoms
Genre: YA Fantasy
If I faint Sasha will never let me live it down. Like everyone else gathered there, the two kings and the two queens were watching their every move. Jarron couldn’t see Sasha, there were too many people seated between them, but they were headed for the same place -- the massive, majestic dais at the head of the room, where their parents were waiting.
I have lost my mind, and I am not even betrothed yet... The heavy weight of his court clothes were not helping the trapped feeling. At fourteen, it wasn’t exactly his first time in full ceremonial dress, as crown prince he’d been wearing it practically since he was born, but it never got easier.
The fitted white jacket, draped with royal orders, medals of rank, and large golden epaulets, made it an actual chore to stand straight. But, as Sergei, his valet, mentor, and right hadn had told him; at least he looked good doing it. Put all together, the doublet, the tight white trousers with the Korbaumi green stripe running up the sides, and the gleaming black knee-high boots made a really princely picture, but all Jarron cared about was that it made him look even taller than he was. As his betrothal vows drew nearer, he knew he needed all the help he could get.
I can do this. And hopefully no one will notice that my chest is heaving so hard, my medals are practically jingling.
I love the imagery!!!
ReplyDeleteI got really confused with the opener because I thought that it was in first person and not third person. So I didn’t realize the “I“ of the opening sentence was Jarron. This could be clarified really easily by tweaking a couple sentences . Otherwise, it’s got a nice level of tension.
ReplyDeleteYour voice in this opening is excellent. I like the imagery of all the fancy dress literally weighing him down under these expectations. You immediately get the sense that is resting on his shoulders despite his young age. If I have to but pick, I do agree with the previous comment that beginning with internal dialogue makes the POV a little confusing at first. Otherwise, great job!
ReplyDeleteAgree with the others about the POV in the opener.
ReplyDeleteI got a bit confused by:
Put all together, the doublet, the tight white trousers with the Korbaumi green stripe running up the sides, and the gleaming black knee-high boots made a really princely picture, but all Jarron cared about was that it made him look even taller than he was.
It's a long sentence (maybe put into two, or cut down a bit on the descriptions - for me, it's a bit much) and doesn't clarify to me how he looks taller or why that's so important to him (no indication before that he's keen to look tall or embarrassed at how tall he is, etc).
At this stage, I'm unsure if Sasha is the bride to be (or is Sasha male?) or someone else.
You portray the tedium of princely responsibilities well and I'm interested to know more about this impending marriage (at this point, I'm assuming it's arranged, but if it's Sasha, then maybe not, as he seems to care what Sasha thinks and know how she would react).
It's an interesting beginning.
I’m not quite connecting with Jarron yet in this scene. Since he’s a crown prince who’s used to court functions, I’m not sure why he’s so uncomfortable? Is it because he’s about to get betrothed? I’d like more nuanced clues to why he’s nervous, not just how nervous he is. The ceremonial clothing makes for an elegant metaphor, but almost all the detail/imagery is focused on the clothes; meanwhile Jarron’s thoughts in italics don’t add new insights to his personality or internal conflict. I think there are ways to ramp up the tension while putting us in Jarron’s shoes more effectively!
ReplyDelete