Sebbie waited for the bus alone. He watched his breath cloud and dissipate, and he wished it was still cool to bundle up in winter.
I'm not hooked by this, either, but it has potential. I'd read on for the third line, at least.
Do you mean "cool" as in "acceptable"? I was confused at first because winter is cold, and I thought you were speaking about temperature. I had to read it twice to be sure.
I, too, was initally confused by the use of cool. There was a question raised about why he waited alone but it wasn't enough to pull me into the story.
There's no real tension or conflict happening here to draw a reader in. Plus, "dissipate" isn't a word most kids use or know, so it isn't an appropriate language choice for a kids or middle grade novel.
Good imagery, but I'm not completely hooked yet.
ReplyDeleteSebbie waited for the bus alone. He watched his breath cloud and dissipate, and he wished it was still cool to bundle up in winter.
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked by this, either, but it has potential. I'd read on for the third line, at least.
Do you mean "cool" as in "acceptable"? I was confused at first because winter is cold, and I thought you were speaking about temperature. I had to read it twice to be sure.
I, too, was initally confused by the use of cool. There was a question raised about why he waited alone but it wasn't enough to pull me into the story.
ReplyDeleteThere's no real tension or conflict happening here to draw a reader in. Plus, "dissipate" isn't a word most kids use or know, so it isn't an appropriate language choice for a kids or middle grade novel.
ReplyDeleteNothing really happening. Unless the blurb was great and promised exciting things, I'd pass, sorry.
ReplyDeleteLoved the imagery. Was confused on the use of 'cool.' Wasn't really engaged in what was going on as I didn't find any conflict or urgency.
ReplyDeleteAdd me to the list of those confused by "cool." Loved the imagery, but "dissipate" did seem a bit too "big" a word for the apparent age of the MC.
ReplyDeleteWould read more based on the initial imagery.
ReplyDeleteI had some trouble with the cool/cold thing as well, and not too much is happening yet. But perhaps something picks up shortly after.
ReplyDeleteI am not hooked.
ReplyDeleteand he wished it was still cool to bundle up in winter.
and I'm not sure what this means.
I do however like your description of his breath.
No, not hooked, sorry. It starts to feel like navel gazing immediately since nothing is happening and he's watching his breath.
ReplyDeleteI too was a bit confused on cool/cold. It could be just me and this isn't really my thing as a reader, though. ;)
Good luck,
~Merc
same problem with the coll/cold thing, and the fact that there''s no sense of conflict.
ReplyDelete