Thursday, October 9, 2008

F2S 28

Digiz Ińtin had learned to live with the yelling, but tonight the angry voice in the kitchen was louder than usual. A good night's sleep would have been about the best birthday present his father could have given him, but shitaa was unwilling to bestow even that small gift on his eldest son.

10 comments:

Just_Me said...

Sorry, this isn't bad, but it doesn't sound like the kind of book I want to read.

Lady Glamis said...

Digiz Ińtin had learned to live with the yelling, but tonight the angry voice in the kitchen was louder than usual. A good night's sleep would have been about the best birthday present his father could have given him, but shitaa was unwilling to bestow even that small gift on his eldest son.

Not sure what's going on here. Is Shitaa (that should be capitalized) just yelling, or does this go in the direction of physical abuse? Who is he yelling at? The TV? His wife? Another sibling of Digiz's? Make that more clear, and I think this might work better.

Anonymous said...

lady glamis, this is the problem with two-sentence snippets. All of the questions you raised are answered in the very next sentence. **sigh**

I'm on the fence about capitalizing "shitaa" in that spot. It's the generic word for "father."

just_me, you're just cranky this morning, aren't you? ;-)

Lori said...

I'd definitely read on. It's a good sense of culture coming through with the language and definite tension and response.

I agree with lady_glamis that shitaa should be capitalized since it's not being used as a general reference but as a title (i.e. proper noun) for the man.

Ex:
John's father walked down the street.

vs

Father walked down the street.

Lady Glamis said...

Anonymous:

Oh, then if they're answered in the next sentence, I'd read on for sure!

I had no idea about the shitaa thing. Sorry. Should I know that? Guess I do now.

Inkblot said...

I'm confused about the POV, since we seem to be getting thoughts from both the boy and the father. That's probably enough to turn me off further reading, sorry.

fairchild said...

I was confused on Shitaa. I thought it should be capitalized, but even then, I would've thought it was a name not a title. The POV is a little strange; is it omni?

The situtation is interesting so I would read the rest of the page.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the feedback, folks! There's really not a POV shift in the second sentence, though I can see why it reads that way. Probably need to rework that.

I'm still wrestling with this. I've changed it, after realizing I buried a much better opener at the beginning of the second graf. (It appears to be my lot in life to arrive just after the nick of time.)

blodwyn said...

I like it. I think you could fix the POV issue by something like "apparently the shitaa" - something to ground it more in Digiz's head.

Luc2 said...

A week ago I read that a family conflict is a much used-opener, and dangerously close to cliche ... but I can't find the reference anymore. Sorry.

I'm not hooked.