While enjoying a dazzling new social life during the summer of 1929, 15-year-old Dorothy Brooks must contend with anti-Semitism and bootlegging, two evils poisoning her New England resort town.
Very solid start. The one thing that feels like it's missing to me is a sense of the central conflict -- the stakes for Dorothy. One way to get at this would be to think about how she must contend with these things. Anti-Semitic boss? Bootlegging boyfriend?
Great one sentence pitch, but I want to know what makes this story different from other historicals set in the same time period. Is Dorothy Jewish? I assume she is, but I think you need to say so to make it more personal. Make the obstacles Dorthy faces more personal to her story, and also give it a more unique slant. Just an opinion. Good job. Ninja Girl
I love this period, so I'm automatically interested, but I'd love some more specifics of the issues that are going to be affecting Dorothy and the stakes of what is happening. Can you make the stakes more personal for her?
The setup for this doesn't sound like it is inciting anything exciting. What actually happens to get this story going? "Enjoying a dazzling new social life" to me is just kinda everyday stuff. Is this her goal for the summer? Is there a reason she has this goal? Is her life normally non-dazzling and non-social?
After that, we need a better sense of an antoginist. Is someone trying to mess up Dorothy's summer intentionally or is this just a series of unfortunate/annoying events? Who or what is going to stop her from meeting her goal?
I agree with Holly. What is her dazzling new life? What does that mean specifically? And what is the specific event that occurs when anti semitism rears its ugly head? WHat is the specific bootlegging event?
Andthen what does she do to fix the problem? Wha will happen to her if she fails? Be speific, rather than general.
I've got a pretty good sense of the story, I think. Sounds like a nice coming-of-age. But after reading I definitely wanted a clearer sense of her goal. "Contend with" is mighty vague - at the expense of word count, I'd suggest clarifying 1) the stakes, 2) Dorothy's direct impact on the outcome of the conflict, and 3) the possible resolution.
I agree with Holly. While I like the voice of this, I would like to know a few more specifics and what the stakes are. What makes your story unique. Nice start.
Everyone's pretty much nailed it for me. Expand on "new social life" and what she must "contend with" for antisemitism (people? Social standing?) and Bootlegging (laws? police? Competition?). Once you expand it pick the key points and build your LL out of it. Nice story idea and a great start.
I have to echo many commenters: this is a good "concept," but the specific conflict that makes it personal to her is unclear. On the up side, it's very short, so you have some room to play around!
I like the spark here, but feel like it is a bit too vague (I know it's hard to get too specific in 100 words) to really snag the reader and left me with more questions than any knowledge of the possible story within.
Make the generalizations more specific and more standout. Doesn't feel like much is happening. Put a little more bite in this. Are there effigies, fights, something else that contrasts with the beautiful scenery?
You got me hooked! However, I do believe this logline could be stronger if you mention the catalyst that sets the conflict off. What happens to Dorothy that introduces anti-Semitism and bootlegging into her world?
The word 'new' made me pause. Why is her dazzling social life new? Is she a debutante? I think you can cut that word without losing anything from the logline except a potential source of confusion. Also, 'contends with' is quite vague. How are the anti-Semitism and bootlegging affecting Dorothy personally, and what does she plan to do about it? What are the stakes if she succeeds or fails? You might not have room to put in all that information, but at least some of it should appear in an enticing logline. You've done a good job at being succinct, so I'm sure you can come up with something with more information that's still brief.
Some great comments here. I agree that you need more of an inciting incident in here. I know she has to contend with the issues, but how does she go about it and how does it impact her life?
I need more of the struggle that makes the story exciting. Get my adrenaline going, you know? =)
Very solid start. The one thing that feels like it's missing to me is a sense of the central conflict -- the stakes for Dorothy. One way to get at this would be to think about how she must contend with these things. Anti-Semitic boss? Bootlegging boyfriend?
ReplyDeleteGreat one sentence pitch, but I want to know what makes this story different from other historicals set in the same time period. Is Dorothy Jewish? I assume she is, but I think you need to say so to make it more personal. Make the obstacles Dorthy faces more personal to her story, and also give it a more unique slant. Just an opinion. Good job.
ReplyDeleteNinja Girl
I love this period, so I'm automatically interested, but I'd love some more specifics of the issues that are going to be affecting Dorothy and the stakes of what is happening. Can you make the stakes more personal for her?
ReplyDeleteGood start!
The setup for this doesn't sound like it is inciting anything exciting. What actually happens to get this story going? "Enjoying a dazzling new social life" to me is just kinda everyday stuff. Is this her goal for the summer? Is there a reason she has this goal? Is her life normally non-dazzling and non-social?
ReplyDeleteAfter that, we need a better sense of an antoginist. Is someone trying to mess up Dorothy's summer intentionally or is this just a series of unfortunate/annoying events? Who or what is going to stop her from meeting her goal?
Good luck!
Holly
I agree with Holly. What is her dazzling new life? What does that mean specifically? And what is the specific event that occurs when anti semitism rears its ugly head? WHat is the specific bootlegging event?
ReplyDeleteAndthen what does she do to fix the problem? Wha will happen to her if she fails? Be speific, rather than general.
I've got a pretty good sense of the story, I think. Sounds like a nice coming-of-age. But after reading I definitely wanted a clearer sense of her goal. "Contend with" is mighty vague - at the expense of word count, I'd suggest clarifying 1) the stakes, 2) Dorothy's direct impact on the outcome of the conflict, and 3) the possible resolution.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Holly. While I like the voice of this, I would like to know a few more specifics and what the stakes are. What makes your story unique. Nice start.
ReplyDeleteEveryone's pretty much nailed it for me. Expand on "new social life" and what she must "contend with" for antisemitism (people? Social standing?) and Bootlegging (laws? police? Competition?). Once you expand it pick the key points and build your LL out of it. Nice story idea and a great start.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the other comments. Very interesting concept, but I want to know how these stakes are personal to the protagonist.
ReplyDeleteI have to echo many commenters: this is a good "concept," but the specific conflict that makes it personal to her is unclear. On the up side, it's very short, so you have some room to play around!
ReplyDeleteI like the spark here, but feel like it is a bit too vague (I know it's hard to get too specific in 100 words) to really snag the reader and left me with more questions than any knowledge of the possible story within.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments--I'm thinking TV Guide and this needs back of book! Will work on it!
ReplyDeleteI liked this; like others I think you need the "or what?" An in: must content with anti-semitism and bootlegging or what?
ReplyDeleteHer family will disown her? She'll go insane? Her town will burn her at the stake? Her little brother, a Jewish bootlegger, will be imprisoned?
Make the generalizations more specific and more standout. Doesn't feel like much is happening. Put a little more bite in this. Are there effigies, fights, something else that contrasts with the beautiful scenery?
ReplyDeleteNice and short - leaves me curious if Dorothy is Jewish. Is there a crisis on the horizon? If so, I'd like to know something about it. Great start.
ReplyDeleteYou got me hooked! However, I do believe this logline could be stronger if you mention the catalyst that sets the conflict off. What happens to Dorothy that introduces anti-Semitism and bootlegging into her world?
ReplyDeleteThe word 'new' made me pause. Why is her dazzling social life new? Is she a debutante? I think you can cut that word without losing anything from the logline except a potential source of confusion. Also, 'contends with' is quite vague. How are the anti-Semitism and bootlegging affecting Dorothy personally, and what does she plan to do about it? What are the stakes if she succeeds or fails? You might not have room to put in all that information, but at least some of it should appear in an enticing logline. You've done a good job at being succinct, so I'm sure you can come up with something with more information that's still brief.
ReplyDeleteSome great comments here. I agree that you need more of an inciting incident in here. I know she has to contend with the issues, but how does she go about it and how does it impact her life?
ReplyDeleteI need more of the struggle that makes the story exciting. Get my adrenaline going, you know? =)
I like this a lot. It would get me to pick the book up, that's for sure. Keep up the great work!
ReplyDelete