Monday, November 4, 2019

Talkin' Heads #2

TITLE: DESIGNING GHOSTS
GENRE: Adult Paranormal Mystery

Middle-aged single women Veronica and her BFF Roberta are discussing men, marriage, and the lack of good men to marry.

“Well, I wouldn’t say I was desperate,” Roberta said, “but at our age, the ocean is drying up. There’s not as many fish in the sea as there were ten years ago. Now all that’s left are the cranky old crabs and bottom feeders. You landed the last good catch.”

“I didn’t land him,” I said. “That sounds like I plotted to ‘get my man’, like in a Jane Austen novel or something. Riley and I just fell for each other; neither of us was even fishing. So you’re in a dating dry spell, no biggie. The next round of divorces should be clearing, and soon, your dating pond will be well stocked with good catches again.”

Roberta sighed. “I know, it’s just, well, forty-five is a hard age. I always thought I’d be married and have 2.5 kids by now...”

“You hate kids,” I said.

“...driving them to soccer in the minivan...” she continued.

“You hate minivans,” I said.

“...and at the point in my marriage where my husband and I are comfortable, even a bit bored, but content with life,” she finished.

“You hate being bored and really really hate boring sex. And you’ve been married. Twice. They didn’t work out. I think you enjoyed the weddings more than the marriages.”

“Of course I did,” she said, with a shake of her pretty red hair. “What woman doesn’t want to wear a fabulous dress and be the center of attention at a celebration just for her?”

3 comments:

  1. This dialogue does a good job at showing the women's relationship with each other, and I especially like the humor interruptions.

    I would caution you against writing chunks of text that are too dense. We don't talk in paragraphs, and I think it's important to trim down dialogue to make it as succinct and believable as possible.

    For example:

    “Well, I wouldn’t say I was desperate,” Roberta said, “but at our age, the ocean is drying up. There’s not as many fish in the sea as there were ten years ago. Now all that’s left are the cranky old crabs and bottom feeders. You landed the last good catch.”

    Try:

    “Well, I wouldn’t say I was desperate,” Roberta said, “but at our age, the ocean is drying up. All that’s left are the cranky old crabs and bottom feeders. You landed the last good catch.”

    And this:

    “I didn’t land him,” I said. “That sounds like I plotted to ‘get my man’, like in a Jane Austen novel or something. Riley and I just fell for each other; neither of us was even fishing. So you’re in a dating dry spell, no biggie. The next round of divorces should be clearing, and soon, your dating pond will be well stocked with good catches again.”

    Try:

    “I didn’t LAND him,” I said. “Riley and I just fell for each other; neither of us was even fishing."

    *HAVE THE OTHER CHARACTER COMMENT HERE ABOUT NOT DATING.*

    So you’re in a dating dry spell, no biggie. The next round of divorces should be clearing, and soon your dating pond will be well stocked again.”

    Good work!

    ReplyDelete
  2. MidlifecrisissexsymbolNovember 4, 2019 at 5:20 PM

    Obviously you've never conversated with my friends and family, who do speak in full monologues! Too many theater people. We hog the spotlight. ;)

    Thank you for these great suggestions! I agree and will work on my propensity to talk too much. The conversation stream does flow better that way (and what is with me and all the ocean/water metaphors?)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I liked the banter but the dialog felt a little too telly...a little too "written" rather than natural. I can't really connect with your characters here as I don't see the point in their discussion.

    ReplyDelete