TITLE: Blood Isn't Thicker Than Water
GENRE: Drama
“Take me with youuu!!” I begged mum desperately.
She merely laughed. “Come now; you really don’t want to be stuck with your dreary old parents for a whole week.”
“Yeah I do; I really, really do.”
She smiled. “Well it’s too late anyhow- we’re going tomorrow and even if we wanted to we can’t get another ticket.”
I lowered my eyes. “Don’t go then,” I murmured.
Mum frowned. “What?”
“Don’t go!” I yelled in her face before turning and sprinting upstairs to my shared bedroom.
I collapsed on the lower level of the bunk bed, curling my legs up to my chest as I buried my head in the soft white pillow.
“Lucy? Lucy; are you okay?” her tentative voice came as she sat upon the bed, stroking my hair with soft fingers. “Lucy? What’s the matter? Is this about your dad?”
I shook my head.
“What is it then? Is it Frank? Do you not want him to move in yet? Cause it’s okay if you don‘t, he won’t mind.”
“It’s not Frank,” I told her while sitting up. “It’s just that ever since…ever since dad…you’ve never been away for more than a day and now you’re going for a whole week. It just…it just seems strange.”
Mum smiled. “You won’t be alone, you know that right; your sister’s going to come down for the week just to keep an eye on you.” A ghost of a smile flickered on my face as inside my stomach curled up in fear. ‘Just me and Stacey alone for a whole week. She could do whatever she wanted to me and no one would know.’ I flinched at that as my mum continued talking, oblivious to my thoughts. “Now, I’m going to go get dinner, you wanna come with?”
I'm not grabbed by the voice. Sorry.
ReplyDeletei have problems with this because its a young adult ? child? as the narrator. I wasn't sure I understood why she had a ghost of a smile on her face when she clearly fears her sister. I DO like the intrique in that but I wanted to feel it sooner. Maybe more inner voice from your narrator?
ReplyDeleteDon't put those extra u's on the end of 'you' to begin your manuscript. That signals to the reader your book was written via IM or text message and shouldn't be taken seriously.
ReplyDeleteI also have issues with the plot here. Lucy doesn't want to be stuck with her dreary old parents for a week, but apparently something's happened to Dad?
Also, conflict at the beginning of a manuscript is always good, but you're attempting an emotionally complex opening.
It's tough to begin with an opening like that and ask your readers to be instantaneously invested in your characters. You have to build the character relationships first before you lay on the schlock. This early in a book, a reader doesn't know what to make of Lucy's actions (bratty tantrum? A well-intentioned ploy? A desperate cry for help?).
For emotional conflicts like this you need to build the character relationships first, then let us see the action.
This one didn’t get me, I’m afraid. This selection was classified as a “drama” what does that mean? Is this YA? Commercial Fiction? Also,the ratio of dialogue to narrative is unbalanced and so I’m not able to lose myself in the conflict without truly knowing the players involved.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteHow old is the character? She sounds about 4.
Who is the target audience? I can't tell.
What's the story? I'm lost.
You may have the next bestseller here but I can't tell from this blurb.
Very... strange. That the child smiles at knowing her big sister can do whatever she wants to her is extremely creepy. I would definitely NOT read on.
ReplyDeleteHmm... the semicolons annoy me and also the "yuuu". And there might have been a couple other nitpicks. But I do like this and would read on.
ReplyDeleteNeeds some cleaning up and dialogue tags early on.
ReplyDeleteThis just didn't hook me. It seemed too much like YA, so if this is for the adult market, some revising might be needed.
Although the line about what Stacey could do to her was intriguing, the rest of this was a No for me. Drama, IMHO, isn't a genre. But Young Adult is, and that's what your character voice indicates this book is.
ReplyDeleteYes, the very young voice and behavior of the POV character confused me too, and annoyed me a bit. A lot of intrusive dialogue tags (begged, murmured, yelled).
ReplyDeleteThe intrigue with her sister seems promising, but isn't enough to keep me reading. Sorry
I initially saw Lucy as a bit of a brat, and so didn't find her terribly sympathetic. Near the end of the submission I started to get a little intrigued, but probably too late to keep me reading.
ReplyDeleteI read and write mostly YA, and this definitely feels more of that genre than for an adult audience.