TITLE: The Crichton Heir
GENRE: Historical Romance
“How was I to know the bloody sheep would make a mess of the garden?”
Margaret Sinclair mumbled, as she crawled through the rich dark mud. Scratching her nose, she cringed from the smell; another smudge left on her cheek.
The look on Frederick's face when he realized his sheep were missing made it worth it. Almost.
“Why do I behave so unseemly? Control…must learn control.”
“Talk to yourself often, lass?”
The unfamiliar deep voice made Margaret’s body tense. Closing her eyes, she prayed to be swallowed up by the nearest steaming dung heap; on second thought, maybe not.
Margaret looked up, blowing the unruly curls off her sweaty forehead. A pair of large riding boots was a yard away. Her eyes traveled up to brown form fitting riding breeches and a fine linen shirt that hung open.
Feeling heat spread to her cheeks, Margaret knew she was blushing. She hoped he hadn't noticed.
Obviously amused by young girls up to their teeth in filth, a deep rumble forced Margaret to meet his laughing pale green eyes. Her breath caught.
***
Patrick found the girl amusing, until her eyes locked onto his. An
involuntary shudder ran through him. He should avoid this enticing woman he had thought merely a girl. Patrick didn't need Laird Sinclair angry that he had dallied with a servant, and yet…
“I may prolong my stay if all the Laird’s wenches are as hard-working and dirty as you seem to be.” Patrick smirked, cocking an eyebrow.
I'm not hooked, sorry. I found much of this confusing and had to read it over a few times. Opening with a line of dialogue and not attributing who says it is odd, then I realized in the next paragraph that it was Margaret. Not a good idea to separate the two because it makes it unclear.
ReplyDeleteI think what bothered me most is that Margaret has these reactions without reason. Why does a strange voice make her tense up? Why pray to be swallowed up by the dung? Why does she blush? She's reacting without motivation and this seems odd to me.
Your voice works well for historical. Nice job.
The voice does work well for historical, but I'm afraid I'm not hooked either.
ReplyDeleteThe line that really threw me off (and this might just be my own tastes for sci-fi) was the line "Control . . . You must learn control."
Yoda says that same thing to Luke Skywalker in "The Empire Strikes Back," and that's all I could hear when I read that.
I'm not sure how many historical fiction readers out there watch the Star Wars movies, but if I noticed, I'm sure other will as well.
The opening dialog didn't work for me. I liked the description of her crawling through the muck and think it deserves even more elaboration. Her reactions to the man didn't make a lot of sense to me: the blushing, tensing up, wanting to disappear so-to-speak. Also, switching the POV around is a difficult thing to do well. I would suggest not doing a POV shift, especially this early into the story.
ReplyDeleteMuch in line with the others, nice voice but not hooked.
ReplyDeleteThe writing is a bit confused here and things seem to happen out of sequence. For instance, in the following excerpt, Margaret decides that she doesn't want to be swallowed by dung before she actually looks up and sees Patrick:
"Closing her eyes, she prayed to be swallowed up by the nearest steaming dung heap; on second thought, maybe not.
Margaret looked up, blowing the unruly curls off her sweaty forehead."
Also a little confused about why his handsomeness makes the situation less embarassing.
i so wanted to like this, as I have two stories of mine starting with sheep!! It had the potential to hook me, but didn't - sorry. i think the quick change of POV was unfortunate. I'd have liked to stay a little longer with the woman. The dialogue seemed a little stilted as well. Sorry, not hooked.
ReplyDeleteKudos as this was a solid attempt at a creative and interesting opening- Scottish Historical is so in demand right now! Unfortunately, this one didn't quite resonate with me. I am all for using the phrase "steaming dung heap" whenever possible, however, why would the heroine be crawling in the mud??? She didn't lose an earring, some sheep messed up the garden. So this reads a bit forced. Also when going for a fresh, unique opening such as this, it's best refrain from over used images such as the smudge on the cheek, the tight riding breeches and an open linen shirt on the hero.
ReplyDeleteSee, I am hooked and would so read on! My only nit is there is only one girl so when she mentioned that he was amused by the girls behavior, it through me.
ReplyDeleteI like the set up here – a young woman behaving in a most unladylike manner and getting caught. I’d read on, but I’m not sure I’m hooked yet.
ReplyDelete“Obviously amused by young girls up to their teeth in filth, a deep rumble forced Margaret to meet his laughing pale green eyes.” This is a bit awkward, it reads as if the deep rumble is amused. Also, I’m not sure why she would refuse to meet his eyes until he laughed at her.
Like others noted, the POV switch does happen early. I would read on, but chances are I’d stop if the POV continued to switch too frequently.
I think you over-edited and stressed too much about this contest. There are things that don't line up properly and I think you might have been more concerned with style than plot and structure.
ReplyDeleteFirstly, Laird Sinclair has a servant named Margaret Sinclair? Or is that his daughter? If it's just a servant, change their last names. If it's his daughter, change what Patrick is is thinking. As it stands it's confusing.
Secondly, the introduction of a male name (Frederick) throws off the next paragraph when she hears an unfamiliar male voice. You should substitute an unnamed subject for Frederick (a description like "the master" or "her brother") or you can cut the line completely.
Voices, as others have mentioned are nice, however. Keep working.
The switch in POV could be changed easily with a little editing.
ReplyDeleteThe hook here is WHY is this happening? And I love the
"steaming dung heap" -- yik and very visual.
If the POV remained consistent, then, yes, I would read on to see how the girl got into that situation in the first place.
Thanks for everyone's comments, as usual, I've learned so much.
ReplyDeleteFirst and foremost...don't OVER-EDIT for a contest! This scene was originally 500 words...DUH!
Almost all of the comments were referencing issues that would have been addressed had I not sliced it up so bad.
Sprizhouse NAILED it, and if I had any doubts before, he cleared them up pronto (and yes, Margaret is the Laird's daughter...in playing a practical joke, it backfired, and she was trying to keep herself out of more trouble by fixing the garden).
Thanks for all the great feedback, I LOVE THESE CONTESTS!
The anonymous author :)
You need a new opener. This would be great for a couple of pages in, but it doesn't hook me in.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteWhy is it that half of the historical fiction out there focuses on a girl behaving unseemly? The men are wealthy, rakish, and handsome and all the girls just dying to kick their knickers off.
And this seems to be another one along the same vein. I don't see anything in this opening that makes tit stand out from dozens of other works on the shelf. I don't see anything in the MC I like or admire.
Maybe I'm biased, I don't usually read historical fiction (unless Austen counts) but this isn't working for me.
Just_Me: "I don't see anything in this opening that makes tit stand out"
ReplyDeleteI totally respect your opinion, although 250 words is hardly enough room for any serious character development, but that typo was GREAT (if it was indeed a typo)!
I was intrigued. I understood that she's a young lady who doesn't act very 'lady-like' all the time (that in itself is a hook) and she pulled a prank that didn't come out very well. I didn't understand why she was crawling in the mud. I think rather than moving into Patrick's POV, it might have been better to elaborated on Margaret's.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I don't read romance.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't very hooked by the beginning. Perhaps its my penchant for reading horror and thrillers, but when you said "bloody sheep," I was picturing an actual bloody sheep tramping around.
Then I had a Monty Python moment with the woman wallowing in the mud. I was just waiting for her to sit up and spout in a faux-woman voice "King of the who?"
Despite this, there were a few lines I did really like. I did enjoy
"Margaret looked up, blowing the unruly curls off her sweaty forehead"
It was a good image for me and it summed up the character so well.
No... I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteI think this is good and would appeal to its target audience, but it's not my thing.
I mean - the whole sudden attraction thing doesn't work for me. She's crawling in the mud, why would he suddenly think she's enticing?
I can guess she's going through and trying to replant things, likely. I liked her part right up to the last paragraph of it which might have been a little messy because of what sounded like a premature pov shift with this:
Obviously amused by young girls up to their teeth in filth,
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ReplyDeleteSorry, but it's a no for me too. Looking at the text itself, there's no sense of setting, abundant cliches and grammatical errors, and no sense of a plot whatsoever-- all things that should be accomplished in your very first paragraph.
ReplyDeleteI also don't understand the need to switch POVs within the first 250 words. Even in the first 500, as you said is the original manuscript, you don't want to offset your readers by jarring them so suddenly. Give them a chance to settle themselves in your world by making them empathize with a character straight off the bat. They can't do that if you constantly shift your readers all over the place.
I liked it. It really got rolling in the later paragraphs, but the imagery and voice were spot on. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI'm mixed. I think you should start her off in the mud and leave out the opening dialogue. Maybe add it to her talking to herself in the next graph. And I'd like a little emotion. Reason's for her reactions.
ReplyDeleteI really like the voices. Patrick seems like an arrogant jerk, but for some reason, I like him.
I think this has promise. I'd keep going if it was tightened up a little.
Am I hooked? Well, yes and no. I see tremendous potential for this story, but I tend to agree with several others that the writer may have gotten a bit carried away with editing for the contest. ;-)
ReplyDeleteIn many ways this tale is not so different from what's on the shelves now in basic imagery. I like the opening dialogue and the overall voice, but things do seem a bit out of sequence in several places. Yes, the tight-fitting britches and the shirt hanging away from a manly chest are cliche, but they're also de rigueur for period romance. You might try to find another way to introduce the concepts, but I wouldn't dispense with them altogether. What would all those breathless fans think if there were no broad, heaving chests or muscular thighs to drool over, after all?
Keep working on this. I think you're on the right track. :-)
Hooked.
ReplyDeleteI found the situation amusing and the voice strong. I'd read on.
I agree with karen on the motivations. Perhaps if she recognized the voice/man we'd understand...or if it was established that she really shouldn't be there in the mud...or if she really wanted to hurry up and finish whatever she was doing before someone saw her.