TITLE: DAISIES FOR ELLA
GENRE: Women's Fiction
After dramatic mood swings crash the trajectory of her life, a law student discovers a multi-generational family secret, and the choice she must make—confront the issue, and create a new life, or build an emotional cave to crawl into.
The grocery bags, slapping against my legs, contained the ingredients for an apology, one to be delivered gift-wrapped in wine, food, and candlelight. A romantic evening designed to purge away my fiancé, Sam’s, lingering bitterness toward the flying shoe incident that occurred on Monday. Last night, I tried to apologize and even vowed never to throw anything again, but this morning, his hug felt cold, not icy, but slushy.
As I crossed the lobby of our apartment building, the sacks felt as heavy as my heart—weighed down by memories of flying shoes, shattered mugs, and previous promises to maintain my self-control. Sam earned the right to be angry.
I elbowed the elevator “Up” button, and the diamond sparkling on my left hand flashed. Soon, I would be Mrs. Sam Hutchinson; mood swings were not going to destroy my happily ever after.
The old-fashioned brass doors opened, and standing inside was Sam’s former roommate, Eric, pulling a suitcase.
“Hi Eric.”
He bolted out of the elevator. “Sam’s in the apartment.”
Odd, I thought as the car clanked up to the seventh floor. The doors parted, and I hauled the groceries down the hallway.
“Sam?” I called, and kicked our apartment door closed behind me. After dropping the bags on the kitchen table, I followed the sound of slamming drawers.
The scene inside the bedroom, clothes strewn across the floor, and Sam dumping T-shirts into a suitcase, soured my stomach. His eyes grew wide when he spotted me standing in the doorway.
“What’s going on, Sam?”
I think the first two paragraphs could use shorter sentences - I had to read them both a couple of times to get past all the commas and conjunctions.
ReplyDeleteBut I love the line about the slushy hug, and I want to know what happens in this scene.
I agree with Dayspring regarding the first two paragraphs. There's a lot of important information but I'd prefer there to be some definitive pauses so I can absorb it all.
ReplyDeleteAnd way to create a flawed and engaging MC right off the bat! I want to know all about Ella.
I think this has real potential. I immediately want to know the reason(s) for the mood swings and if they are more serious than something hormone-induced. The writing could be tighter but this will likely take care of itself in revisions.
ReplyDeleteFor example--
BEFORE
The old-fashioned brass doors opened, and standing inside was Sam’s former roommate, Eric, pulling a suitcase.
“Hi Eric.”
He bolted out of the elevator. “Sam’s in the apartment.”
AFTER
The old-fashioned brass doors opened. Eric, Sam's former roommate, bolted from the elevator, dragging a rolling suitcase behind him.
“Sam’s in the apartment,” he said before I had a chance to say hello.
I really liked this, especially your opening line. Sure, the writing could be tighter in spots, but it didn't take away from me wanting to know why she was having mood swings. I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteThis is an intriguing premise, and I really liked the first two sentences with the apology in the bags. The first paragraph might be stronger without the last sentence--it waters down the impact of the first two sentences.
ReplyDeleteIt did occur to me that the narrator doesn't have a real name, only Mrs. Sam Hutchinson. I also thought it odd that she wouldn't think it strange that her fiance's friend was leaving with a suitcase. That immediately set off alarm bells in my head, but she doesn't even seem to notice.
I'd keep reading to find out what she's going to do as her life looks like it's about ready to implode. Poor girl!
I like the excerpt, but the logline felt mushy with too many vague, cliche-ish phrases for my taste. The logline doesn't give enough hints for what the story will actually be about. What's the secret? What's the issue? etc. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI think we might want to find out that Sam is leaving before we know why. In this short sample, I already don’t sympathize with the narrator, and I don’t know if she’s really the kind of character I want to spend 300+ pages with. I understand that sometimes mental illness (like, my guess here, bipolar disorder) poses obstacles in a relationship, but when there’s this kind of awareness of one’s actions and it’s still repeated, I can’t accept it as an excuse for abusive behavior.
ReplyDeleteAs for the logline: is there really much question about the choice? It would make for a dull story to build a cave to crawl into. So I suggest refocusing on the real conflict: how she’ll confront the issue and create a new life.
Interesting to read that most find her flawed whereas I thought she was abusive. I'll be keeping an eye on these comments to see how things develop... :)
ReplyDelete(Also, not sure one "earns a right to be angry." I'd go with "has a right to be angry.")
I also thought the stakes in the logline were kind of weak. Clearly, she's not going to choose to create a hold to crawl into, so work more of the plot and external conflict in. I don't think you needed to mention the flying shoes twice. Your writing is strong, and I loved the line about the slushy hug, but I'm not empathizing with your main character yet. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteLoglines are tough; don't be afraid to just say outright what the secret is and what choice she needs to make--these are what set your story apart. Specifics really help.
ReplyDeleteI think your first line is almost there--if you omit "slapping against my legs" it reads much crisper. That phrase doesn't add to the narrative so I'd ditch it. the last line of the first paragraph has a kind of comma-overload. I would suggest breaking that up into separate thoughts (sentences) or something to get rid of them. If you read it aloud you might hear all the pauses and notice how it slows the pace. For the elevator button, I don't think you need the quotes around "up," it feels distracting.
I definitely want to read on, this ends on such a cliffhanger! Good luck to you.
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ReplyDeleteI think this is written so well! It really grasps my attention, I just want to find out what is going to happen! Well done.
ReplyDeleteI do so love family secrets. I bid 25 pages!
ReplyDelete