TITLE: Mirror Reader
GENRE: Fantasy Romance
Alice's daughter has been kidnapped by a god. Keoki is her ex-fiance. The ghost of Keoki's grandfather has told her a pocket watch that once belonged to her ancestor can help her get her child back.
Alice glanced up to see Keoki dangling the pocket watch by its chain.
Hopping to her feet and eager to accept her prize, she brushed sand off her knees and rushed toward him.
Keoki narrowed his eyes at the timepiece, its tarnished surface beaded with rain that dripped down his hand. "It won't open."
"Let me try." She reached for it, but he held it away from her.
"I've lost people I cared about," he said, his tone more wistful than sad. She had no doubt he included her on his list of losses, just as she did him.
"Me, too." They had both lost their parents in very different ways. Death wasn't the only means to the end of someone. "I'm sorry for your loss."
"And I'm sorry for yours. I won't let you lose more than you already have. It's time for us to go find your daughter."
He placed the watch in the palm of her hand and let the chain pool in a loose coil beside it. When she glanced up, the trace of a smile on Keoki's handsome face warmed her heart.
She clutched the object that could be all she'd need to ensure Olina's safe return home. Gazing at Keoki, she saw the strength of conviction inside the man he'd become. She couldn't help but wonder how he would react once he found out Olina was his. She wanted so badly to trust him enough to tell him and in time, perhaps she could.
Just from this short piece, I can sense the connection between the two characters. I don't understand why he holds the watch out from her but then gives it to her.
ReplyDeleteI love the tension between these characters, which the act of "keep-away" helps emphasize, even as their dialogue reveals some still tender feelings for one another.
ReplyDeleteThere may be a little bit of over-writing here, something I'm guilty of in my own work. For example:
"Hopping to her feet and eager to accept her prize, she brushed sand off her knees and rushed toward him."
- We know she is eager because she's described as "hopping" to her feet -- nice verb -- and because she rushes to him. The fact that we're reminded of her eagerness just slows down our sense of her rapid action, and dusting herself off also suggests that she isn't as immediately consumed by the sight of this terribly important object as the context tells us she should be. Her daughter has been taken, and this watch might change that; screw the sandy knees, right?
"I've lost people I cared about," he said, his tone more wistful than sad. She had no doubt he included her on his list of losses, just as she did him."
- Alice's actions and language can show her feelings. I'd cut this tagging off after the observation that she is probably counted among his losses. Let Alice SHOW us how she feels, instead of telling us.
You have a very powerful situation and a great premise here. I'd trust them more, if I were you! I know I would read on, based on that premise and its potential, and I don't even read romance.
I, too, felt there was a lot of telling in this excerpt. For example - don't 'tell' me she's eager to accept her prize. Hopping up, and rushing toward shows this, without having to tell too.
ReplyDeleteThe following part doesn't ring true for me (overwritten) and could be left out entirely as you have covered it in the previous sentence - "Me, too." They had both lost their parents in very different ways. Death wasn't the only means to the end of someone. "I'm sorry for your loss."
"And I'm sorry for yours."
You would then need to smooth out the transition from 'I've lost people I cared about' to 'I don't want to lose you again, so let's go find your daughter together'
'Gazing at Keoki, she saw the strength of conviction inside the man he'd become' reads a little melodramatic/cliché for my taste.
I agree with the comments about the telling, and think KayC's suggestion to leave out the part on the loss of their parents is very good. I was only stopped by the "Death wasn't the only means to the end of someone" sentence, but like the idea of cutting the whole part even better. I have a feeling the parents part comes up again later and probably more naturally.
ReplyDeleteI also like Tracy's suggestion of cutting off the sentence after "list of losses." I originally thought you could end it there but add a sentence like "She wondered if he'd be surprised to know that he was on hers," but it's probably better to just end where Tracy suggests.
Other than those two small areas, I found myself getting very caught up in this and really enjoyed it! It's a cool idea, and I'd love to learn why Keoki doesn't know he's Olina's father.
I was wondering about the watch. Perhaps it comes earlier, but I wondered why it was important. I agree with the comments above about showing and telling emotion. Stick to showing. The reader is with you.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, "I'm sorry for your loss." has become a cliche phrase. It might be better to say they were sorry to hear of his/her father's death, or whatever. It is more genuine and reminds the reader of the pain of losing an actual person.
I can feel the connection between these two characters, but it didn't feel quite there yet. Perhaps, shorten the dialogue about their personal losses (because they're not really saying anything important/informational) and use that space to make the connection between them stronger, perhaps through small gestures, looks, the mention of an emotion.
ReplyDeleteYou might also show a reaction from her when he says - It's time for 'us' to find your daughter. DId she expect him to help her in that way? Does it come as a surprise? DOes it bring up old emotions? However you allow it to affect her will also affect the reader in the same way