TITLE: The Dear Jane Letters
GENRE: Young Adult Fiction
Fifteen-year-old Kate hasn't had many positive moments to write about in her journal lately. Not since losing her prime role in the school musical. The ones she does have, though, all seem to involve Henry.
We stood looking awkwardly at each other for a minute, and then he said, “here,” and handed me a small package. It was wrapped in silver paper with a blue bow on top.
I couldn’t believe it. I wished I had thought of bringing something for him.
Now, thinking back on it, I probably should have waited until after the show to open it. At the time, though, I didn't hesitate. I slid my fingernail carefully through the tape, wanting to save that shiny paper as if I could use it to wrap up the moment and slip it in my pocket.
I touched the cover of the box that was inside. It came off easily, as if it had been removed before – maybe a lot – to examine the contents.
There, gleaming softly against a deep blue velvet cushion, was a delicate silver bracelet. A small rectangular plate that read “Kate” was suspended on each side by a chain.
“Turn it over,” Henry urged.
On the back, engraved in script so small I could barely see it in the dim backstage light, was: “#1 Mrs. Paroo, The Music Man, Oliver King High School, 1985.”
It was Henry’s turn to seem flustered. “It’s because I really do think you're the best. The best Mrs. Paroo. I would have totally picked you if I'd been Horowitz and Jasper. And I think I can say that objectively, even though it’s kind of hard to know for sure, because I think I would pick you for just about anything.”
A sweet moment! I am left wondering why she should have waited until after the show to open it (ie what is the emotional consequence of her actions). Though I fear it may only be answered by reading the story!
ReplyDeleteConsider me hooked. :)
I like this, and it is a sweet moment. Is this a first love? The emotions were tender and very "real".
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this as well, particularly the phrase: "wanting to save that shiny paper as if I could use it to wrap up the moment and slip it in my pocket." And also the fact that she remarked the box may have been open "a lot," which I thought gave a powerful glimpse into the dynamic of their relationship.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I'd note is that I would have liked to have felt the narrator's emotional reaction upon seeing the bracelet engraved with the role she didn't get.
No wonder she likes Henry! He is portrayed so well. I like Kate, too, and love this brilliant line: I slid my fingernail carefully through the tape, wanting to save that shiny paper as if I could use it to wrap up the moment and slip it in my pocket. I'm not sure who Mrs. Paroo is or what part she did get, but I assume I would know all of that if I read the whole thing. Good work.
ReplyDeleteThis is very nicely done. What won me over in this excerpt was that the role of her dreams isn't the obvious one, Marian, but Marian's mama, a midsized role whose main purpose is to be a good foil for her daughter. Mrs. Paroo instead of Marian limns the MC's dreams very nicely and subtly. (I assume that earlier on you've clued readers in on who Mrs. Paroo is.)
ReplyDeleteI almost want Henry to use Harold Hill's "I got my foot caught in the door" line, at the end of this scene, but that's probably too obvious.
The "would have totally picked you" phrasing is perfect. (The "say that objectively" doesn't ring quite as true, though.)
This is easy to read and rings true! I love how Henry's geeky character emerges through his babbling.
ReplyDeletePerhaps add a more detailed description of her reaction upon receiving the gift. "I couldn't believe it" doesn't say enough, or offer up any images or emotions.
ReplyDeleteAnd then when she opens the gift and sees what it is, again she has no reaction. Does she like the gift? Is she impressed with it? How does she feel about Henry giving it to her? Is she embarrassed? Does it touch her in any way? SHow us.