TITLE: Temptress Fug-It
GENRE: Adult Science Fiction/Alternate History
Jack Watt has unexpectedly been transported back in time, to 1947. He is encountering Scarlett, a woman with whom he shares a destiny.
...
“Okay Captain. Shall I call you Captain?” I ventured.
“No, I’ve been demobilized for a while now. I guess Scarlett will have to do,” she replied a little sadly. And you’re…Jack, right? Jack what?”
“Yes,” I answered, deadpan.
“Yes what?” she asked, not yet getting it, getting a little pissed.
“Yes. Watt.” I knew I was pushing my luck, but the ice between us desperately needed breaking.
“What is your last name?” she asked again, two lines appearing between those phenomenal eyes.
“Yes. Watt is my last name,” I said deciding it would work now or not ever.
“Just how hard did you hit your fucking head you…oh, oh, oh, you motherfucker!” This was followed by a laugh that I would remember and treasure the rest of my days.
“And I guess Who is still on first, you’re on second, and I Don’t Know’s on third?” she managed while laughing. “Do you run that routine on every girl you meet?”
“Only the drop-dead beautiful ones.”
“And how’s that working out for you?”
“Results aren’t all in yet, still waiting for a few out-lying counties. And for your information, Doll, Mr. How? He’s our fucking manager.”
“Let me tell you something Mr. Watt, that was fun, but you’ll have to work a hell of a lot harder than that to get anywhere near second base with this, uh, Doll.
Overall, entertaining. I have just a few minor edits.
ReplyDelete1) You can simplify (“Yes,” I answered, deadpan.) to: "Yes," I deadpanned.
2) I would put a comma after the word "said" in “Yes. Watt is my last name,” I said deciding it would work now or not ever so it reads more naturally. Without it the sentence runs together for me. The comma would give me just enough of a pause to really be able to take in your joke.
I found it funny so good job!
I think it's a cute scene, and it reveals something about their personalities and how they'll mesh.
ReplyDeleteI have a pet peeve—and I'm probably the only one who will take issue with this, so ignore me if that's the case—about "explaining the joke." There were a few lines I would probably have omitted because I feel like they aren't necessary and muddy the flow of the humor. I'll add a big caveat, though, that I'd probably trust my reader to be thinking of the Who's on First joke, but some might need to be led more. I'm sometimes confusing for leaving things out. Just something to think about. Anyway, these are the lines:
"...not yet getting it..."
"... deciding it would work now or not ever."
"... And I guess Who is still on first, you're on second, and I Don't Know's on third?"
Plus, I'd suggest keeping "Do you run that line..." in the same paragraph as "Just how hard...," which I think you can get away with if you edit her lines down, because I was confused for a bit that he was the one speaking in that following paragraph. (Or add something to the beginning of the next paragraph to tag her again.)
Otherwise, I think this exchange is very clever and incredibly endearing. I love them both, already.
The conversation itself was okay, but you might consider adding tags that show us something about the characters. The tags used tell us how someone is speaking. Perhaps, instead, add some tags that show us what your characters are doing, that also convey what they're feeling, and let those actions imply how they're saying what they're saying. For example -
ReplyDeleteWhen she says - "And how's that working for you?"
If she places her hands on her hips and glares at him, we can take that to mean she's angry.
If she's doing something, and continues to do it while speaking to him, we can take it as banter.
If she's doing something and stops in the middle of it, she might be confused.
The tags would also add a few necessary beats to help with the flow of the conversation.
I also wonder if the joke works. 'What' is pronounced 'wut,' and 'Watt' is pronounced 'wot.'
This was so much fun! Applause is definitely in order. When the protagonist delivers the priceless line about only the drop dead gorgeous ones, I'm dying to see his expression or body language. Tell us what he does! Likewise, her response about how its working out is very important. What is her body language? It will say volumes about her, that she isn't so easily flattered.
ReplyDeleteThis was so much fun! Applause is definitely in order. When the protagonist delivers the priceless line about only the drop dead gorgeous ones, I'm dying to see his expression or body language. Tell us what he does! Likewise, her response about how its working out is very important. What is her body language? It will say volumes about her, that she isn't so easily flattered.
ReplyDeleteNice segment. Scarlet got pissy too quickly (unless there a bunch of dialog before this where his is baiting her.) For pretty much everything else I'm going with what Barbara said.
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ReplyDelete