TITLE: The Switcher Chronicles
GENRE: Adult Urban Fantasy
Cade, a body switcher has been hired to serve a jail term in place of his client, Harlan Ambrose, and no one can know who he really is. His sister, Daphne, arrives to visit him after he gets hurt.
"Would you please stop saying you're my sister? Harlan Ambrose doesn’t have a sister.”
“You’re referring to yourself in the third person now?”
The twinkle in Daphne's eyes made me want to shake her until her ears rang.
I waved my hand in front of my chest, gesturing broadly to the body I was wearing. “I don’t have a sister.”
“I know you don’t have a sister. You know you don’t have a sister. And believe me, your friend the guard knows you don’t have a sister.” She smiled at Sanford, and, I swear, she fluttered her eyelashes. I had never seen anyone do that. “I think he assumes I’m a Scarlett-visiting-Rhett-in-jail kind of sister.”
“And that’s funny to you?” I was blushing like Ambrose had never blushed in his life. She could fake-flirt; she was looking at a stranger’s face. All I saw was my sister, and I thought I might throw up.
Her eyes stopped twinkling, and her smile disappeared. “Something has to be funny.” She leaned closer and glared. “Your nose is broken.”
“You came here to tell me my nose is broken? I know my nose is broken. I was there when it happened. How do you know my nose is broken?”
Ah, the quotidian pitfalls of switching bodies. You have a light touch and can make a funny turn of phrase. The characters sound believable. Suggestion: Shouldn't the last line read "How did you know..."?
ReplyDeleteIt's charming and witty. I think you can take out "Your came here to tell me my nose is broken?" from the rest of the ending dialogue. It's obvious and unnecessary and slows us down from getting to the really funny part where he says "I know my nose is broken, I was there when it happened--how did YOU know my nose is broken?"
ReplyDeleteI agree with mad-hat-link about taking out a sentence. Overall, this is funny, and perhaps develops the sister's character. This is good dialog, and I don't think you need to correct the grammar of the last sentence.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this very much. It flowed easily and made me smile. :) You have a witty style. Works for me!
ReplyDeleteCool scenario. Nicely written dialogue. Very good scene overall.
ReplyDeleteSome of the emotional reactions felt a little off to me, though. I wasn't really sure why he wanted to shake her in the third line or why she glared at him toward the end (she's angry at him for getting his nose broken? was it his fault?). I also thought the line about wanting to throw up seemed a little extreme. It makes sense that he would have a hard time with her flirting with him (the blushing was a good detail), but even if she's making him uncomfortable I have a hard time believing that he'd be that grossed out by her.
Great premise and I like this exchange. Love this line: “I think he assumes I’m a Scarlett-visiting-Rhett-in-jail kind of sister.”
ReplyDeleteI agree you can drop 'You came here to tell me my nose is broken?'
This line: How do you know my nose is broken? So, I would think she could see that it was broken, no?