TITLE: Sticks and Bones
GENRE: Mystery
Lucky Blackstock, struggling actress but above-average dog walker, inherits a police dog with a nose for crime. When Brock digs up a human bone, Lucky can’t seem to stop being a suspect. Unfortunately, her cool name did not come with luck included. Can Lucky’s acting skills unearth the real killer and clear her name?
I’m not lucky. My name is Lucky. Lucky Blackstock. It does have a cool ring to it, I’ll admit, but it’s not so cool when your life is an entertaining series of disasters. Entertaining for other people, that is. And who wants to be the poster child for irony?
I’ve been living in the guesthouse behind my famous friend’s starter mansion the past couple of years, trying to kick-start my acting career. I could wax philosophical about how I’m literally living in her shadow, but that would be self-indulgent, and I try not to go there more than once a day. I’m more of a get-on-with-it kind of girl.
You’re wondering about my friend. Yes, you’ve heard of her: the famous Winter White. Not her real name. When I met her in acting school, she was Wendy Butz. I was the one with the cool name.
Last night, Winter’s HBO series picked up Emmies for writing and directing, and this morning I found her lying on a well-shaded chaise lounge by the pool, clearly nursing a hangover as big as Alaska. I tiptoed across the terrace so I could let myself in to walk her dogs. Yep, that’s what I do. Four years at Juilliard, and I currently walk dogs and blow auditions for a living. I’m having an extended dry spell. Things’ll pick up.
Winter groaned, peeling a wet washcloth off her eyes. “Lucky. I think I’m dying.”
“Don’t die. Where will I live?”
Oh, this really made me smile! I love Lucky already. Who can't be drawn to an 'above-average dog walker' solving a murder? I love the voice - humorous, very natural and sarcastic without being pessimistic. The witty humor definitely makes me want to read the rest.
ReplyDeleteLucky is very funny, and you made me laugh in the first 350 words. Wendy Butz. Just fantastic. Love her short, snappy voice. Fun read! Would definitely want to see more.
ReplyDeleteLove the first sentence of that logline - struggling actress and above-average dog walker - HA! Intro paragraph to the excerpt also caught me. Be careful, tho. The rest of the excerpt starts to feel like an info-dump. I wonder if perhaps you're starting the story in the wrong place, or if there is way to work in all of this backstory a bit more naturally.
ReplyDeleteGreat pitch, very funny. Lucky's voice comes across very clearly in the opening paras, but I would tighten it up a bit.
ReplyDeleteI didn't like the description of the hangover "as big as Alaska". Too cliched, but I loved "Four years at Juilliard, and I currently walk dogs and blow auditions for a living."
Sounds like a lighthearted gem of a story. All the best
I thought you captured a nice voice for Lucky. She comes off personable, as someone I could root for, and the premise is interesting.
ReplyDeleteI did feel though, that all but the last two pargs was set up and backstory. The MC is clearly explaining her situation to me. (She shouldn't know I exist.)
Perhaps consider starting with a description of the mansion before she sèes Winter, so we get a sense of place, or she might come in after walking the dogs. Give us something that is story, that is happening now.
You've buried your strongest passage: "I tiptoed across the terrace so I could let myself in to walk her dogs. Yep, that’s what I do. Four years at Juilliard, and I currently walk dogs and blow auditions for a living. I’m having an extended dry spell. Things’ll pick up." THIS is what should start your novel. Move it to the top, tighten a bit, and this rocks.
ReplyDeleteI loved this. Fun, self-deprecating, dogs. Easy to read due to lighthearted writing. I did not like this line--"and this morning I found her lying on a well-shaded chaise lounge by the pool, clearly nursing a hangover as big as Alaska." The line "Entertaining for other people, that is. And who wants to be the poster child for irony?" is a little redundant since the line before sets us up nicely for hearing about her troubles. But most of this was wonderful Hope to see more.
ReplyDeleteLove this. Good tagline, good opening, good dialogue. Funny, love the dogs. Would definitely read this story.
ReplyDeleteLove it. I was drawn in. The only line I didn't like was "I was the one with the cool name." She already noted she had a cool name.
ReplyDeleteWhat a fun voice! I think it is really hard to pull off the type of tone and direct talk to the readers that you are going for. For the most part, it works here (for me at least). I didn't really like the first paragraph - it seemed a bit clunky and forced compared with the rest which seems to flow out smoothly. Nicely done. If the rest of the book flows like the bulk of the first page, I would definitely buy it.
ReplyDeleteI think there's a good voice here and a super cute idea, but there are two things I'm not a huge fan of: 1) Starting with Lucky talking about her name, and 2) addressing the reader directly (No, I've never heard of Winter White, she's fictional, don't tell me I have). Try this instead:
ReplyDeleteLast night, my best friend/landlord Winter’s HBO series picked up Emmys for writing and directing, and this morning I found her lying on a well-shaded chaise lounge by the pool, clearly nursing a hangover as big as Alaska. Winter White isn't her real name; when I met her in acting school, she was Wendy Butz. I’ve been living in the guesthouse behind my famous friend’s mansion the past couple of years, trying to kick-start my acting career. I could wax philosophical about how I’m literally living in her shadow, but that would be self-indulgent, and I try not to go there more than once a day.
I tiptoed across the terrace so I could let myself in to walk her dogs. Yep, four years at Juilliard, and I currently walk dogs and blow auditions for a living. I’m having an extended dry spell. Things’ll pick up.
Winter groaned, peeling a wet washcloth off her eyes. “Lucky. I think I’m dying.”
“Don’t die. Where will I live?”
Great voice. Sounds like a fun ride, that would make a terrific series. Peter's notes above reflect what I was thinking during my initial read. Continue to explore new first lines and this will rock. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteIt made me smile. Enough said.
ReplyDeleteGood luck. :)
Great voice. I'm happy to follow Lucky on this adventure. I agree with other comments to trim the first few paragraphs, nix the explanations, and get right to the sass! :)
ReplyDelete