TITLE: Seeking Sara Sterling
GENRE: YA Contemporary
A tiny, cream-colored spider crawled across the outside of the windshield. Sara couldn’t take her eyes off it. In that moment, she almost wished she were that spider. She wanted to be anywhere but in here.
A silence as thick as mud hung between her and Bryan. She wasn’t sure how long it had been since he’d spoken those words. The ones she’d contemplated saying for more than a year now. But she’d always been wishy-washy, going back and forth about things. It was so hard to know what her true feelings were sometimes.
The spider angled downward and then leaped onto the Jeep’s windshield wiper. A second later, it disappeared from sight.
“Say something, Sara.” Bryan’s strained voice finally cut through the silence.
But she had nothing to say to him. Inside, she felt completely numb. Like she’d just swallowed an entire bottle of that chloraseptic throat spray her mom used to give her when she was younger.
Sara bit her bottom lip, staring out the windshield again. A dent marked one side of her maroon garage door. Her younger brother, Derrick had backed into the drive, hitting it with the hitch of his Tundra a few weeks ago. She was surprised her parents hadn’t done something about it yet.
In her peripheral vision, she saw Bryan run a hand through his hair before placing it back on the steering wheel. As if he were ready to just get the hell out of here. “Come on. Don’t be like this,” he pleaded.
This is a great set-up! I can definitely feel the awkward tension happening here. My only suggestion would be to cut this section. "A dent marked one side of her maroon garage door. Her younger brother, Derrick had backed into the drive, hitting it with the hitch of his Tundra a few weeks ago. She was surprised her parents hadn’t done something about it yet." It's distracting, and I'm not sure it's something we need to know right now. Let's stick with Sara and Bryan.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great beginning to your story. So much tension between Bryan and Sarah. What did Bryan say to elicit her silence. "I love you"? perhaps. I agree with the first comment, I would cut the part about her brother and the dent. It takes the reader out of the story. Maybe instead insert some body language, like she twists her hands in her lap or she plays with her hair, something like that. Otherwise, it's a solid start. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked! Great tension and good job of setting the scene. While I agree that the information about Derrick takes the reader out of the scene, I'm wondering if it has something to do with the plot line. If it does, shorten the reference, if not, then I agree it should be taken out.
ReplyDeleteI actually like the detail about the garage being dented. I agree with Sheryl that you could shorten it (maybe take out the line about being surprised her parents haven't done anything about it), but I like how it shows that she's focusing on anything but having to respond to Bryan. Overall, it doesn't hook me as much as I think it could because I don't know what Bryan said or why Sara struggles to know her true feelings. I'm not invested enough yet. If you can give a bit of info on that, it could let readers get more bonded to Sara.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I'm hooked. For me, I didn't particularly care for all the time and space spent on the spider. Two out of the first three paragraphs focused on the spider. While yes, I sort of want to know if he said "I love you", I just feel like after that kind of space spent on the spider, there's too much else crammed in - car brands, sibling names, etc. I might give it another couple of pages though.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. I like that you take your time with the build up. I enjoy the suspense and the details you drop.
ReplyDeleteNot sure I’m hooked yet. Like others said, the emphasis on the spider instead the action at hand made me pass. I’d rather see her trying to sort out why she’s so numb. Also, I get that she’s avoiding, but we need to hear Bryan’s words before we get her reaction. I don’t know any details about her or him. Looks? Clothes? Expressions? Any of these would give clues about them. I might read on if some of these were answered. The Derrick/parents part can be put in later, since it doesn’t further the action of the moment and is backstory.
ReplyDeleteHowever, the tension is good and it’s an interesting way to start a scene.
I found this interesting. Nice tension throughout, and I liked the spider and the dented door. I thought they showed her unwillingness to face the situation. But, I would have liked to know what the stuation was. I'm guessing he said 'I love you,' but did it come after a kiss, because he wants to have sex with her, totally out of the blue? For me, that's what's missing. The context.
ReplyDeleteFrom the first 250 words I'd say your genre is YA Romance instead of Contemporary.
ReplyDeleteThis is purely personal - I don't like romance unless someone is murdered or the aliens are invading. So this one does not do it for me.
Hitches are attached to bumpers. The hitch would be on the Tundra, not 'of' his Tundra.
Not hooked. It's a great moment and I feel very much for Bryan. But, it dragged out too long and the tension got lost.
ReplyDeleteBut again, I liked Bryan. You painted him well. I would prefer to see him just leave and have the book follow him, leaving the mute girl to observe spiders and dents all by herself in a different book lol.
Not fully hooked because I couldn't find one detail to pull me in and wonder more. I feel distanced with the third person narration. I wonder what it would be like told by the girl.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I need more plot. Is he picking her up for school? Are they running away? I need something. A backpack, an overnight bag. Just a hint.
I don't know if I'm hooked. For me, I didn't particularly care for all the time and space spent on the spider. Two out of the first three paragraphs focused on the spider. While yes, I sort of want to know if he said "I love you", I just feel like after that kind of space spent on the spider, there's too much else crammed in - car brands, sibling names, etc. I might give it another couple of pages though.
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