TITLE: Silent March
GENRE: YA Recent Historical / Diversity
Dad fixes people’s ears, but he doesn’t listen. Seven a.m. first day in the new house is Take-Your-Daughter-to-Work Day? Bogus.
“We’re leaving in five,” Dad calls from upstairs.
I raise the volume on my walkman. Here I go again on my own, my hands sign my current anthem. Maybe knowing some sign language will keep my big mouth shut at East Maryland Prep instead of ruining my life at West Miami High. Dad didn’t hear a peep from me when he yanked me from Florida midwinter senior year.
“EGG, did you hear me?” Dad pokes his head in the door.
I lift one headphone. “Yes, I’m not one of your patients.” If I was deaf, he’d give a damn.
“Watch your tone young lady.” He pushes his coke-bottle glasses back up his nose. “And turn that music down or you will be. Let’s go.”
‘Why I don’t speak,’ for $100 Alex. I pound up the stairs from my basement bedroom. In Miami, basements don’t exist. Dig and hit water. Now I live in one. At least this one comes with a kitchenette, bathroom, and French doors to the backyard. No soundproofing, though. Mom and Dad fight. Constantly.
In the mudroom, I layer on sweater, jacket, scarf, gloves, hat, and boots.
Dad eyes me. “It’s not that bad.”
“You grew up in Brooklyn.” I fling open the door to the garage which is like a freezer. The car ride is equally icy. Why talk? It’ll come out wrong. I speak my mind better with my hands.
I'm hooked. I would continue reading. The piece has a clear voice and tone. I like the decision to write in first-person present tense. I think it is executed well.
ReplyDeleteMy only critique is to work on this one line: Maybe knowing some sign language will keep my big mouth shut at East Maryland Prep instead of ruining my life at West Miami High.
It is confusing. Perhaps: Maybe knowing some sign language will (help me) keep my big mouth shut at East Maryland Prep (because running my mouth ruined my life at West Miami High). Or did sign language ruin her life at her previous school? That's what it seems to imply the way it is written.
I'm not sure if I'm hooked, but I'm intrigued. It has an interesting set-up, and I do like the voice, but I agree with Sasha above that the paragraph she noted is confusing. I think you're trying to put too much into this one page. We know that they just moved from Miami to Maryland, Dad is an ear doctor, parents are fighting, and MC can use sign language even though she's not deaf. It's a lot for 250 words. Maybe try to spread some of this out into the following pages so it's not overwhelming.
ReplyDeleteI like this. It's got great voice, especially the opening line, but I'm not sure I'm hooked enough to keep reading.
ReplyDeletePaint the scene more so the reader can connect more with your mc. If you really ground the reader in the mc's world, I think it will attract lots of readers!
I agree with above comments. It's intriguing but feels a bit rushed and the one paragraph about the schools is confusing. I think everything you've given us in this opening can work, but spread it out so that it's not squished into 250 words.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Sasha.
ReplyDeleteI should also note I was a bit thrown by the 'Take Your Daughter to Work Day'. Obviously the school wouldn't have the form to arrange that, nor would it make sense to do it if they just came in from another state, so I'm guessing it's supposed to be facetious, but it doesn't come across that way.
I did not find it too fast as long as it slows down quickly.
Either way, I'd keep reading.
I'm intrigued with your mc's use of sign language and how it allows her to speak more freely. I would change the line about 'Maybe knowing some sign language will keep my big mouth shut at East Maryland Prep instead of ruining my life at West Miami High' to be more clear. It's a little confusing the way it's worded. As the above reviewers noted, you don't need to put everything into the first 250. Weave some of that information in as the chapter progresses. But I would read on. It sounds like an interesting story.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't hooked. Angry teen, angry parents. The MC doesn't get along with her dad, didn't seem to get along with anyone at her old school, hated Florida, hates Brooklyn, spent the entire opening page complaining. I don't want to spend an entire novel with this person.
ReplyDeleteThis, of course, is just me. Others may have no problem with it. Still, we don't know what the mc wants, we don't know what her problem is. Why does she hate everybody and everything? What is the problem she us facing? Give us a reason to want to enter this person's life.
Sorry, I wasn't hooked. I felt like you were throwing too much at me too fast - all of it negative.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. I know some teen characters can be on the sullen side but this one was no fun to be around at all lol. When everything seems negative and a chore it drags the pages down with it.
ReplyDeleteI did like the period touches thrown in there. I also liked the line "Why talk? It'll come out wrong". I can relate to that. Well said lol.
And the coke-bottle glassses sounded like a very cliched description. If you are going to describe them maybe make it unique.
I'm intrigued about the story: new move; where's Mom?; siblings.
ReplyDeleteI'm not fully hooked on the MC. She comes off too snarky, less endearing. This is an easy fix if you give her a moment to do something nice or have her reminisce on Mom or old friends...
I agree with above comments. It's intriguing but feels a bit rushed and the one paragraph about the schools is confusing. I think everything you've given us in this opening can work, but spread it out so that it's not squished into 250 words.
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Nice job...
ReplyDelete