TITLE: The Lies That Become Us
GENRE: YA Contemporary
Money may not buy happiness, but it sure can buy some freaking beautiful, howl-at-the-moon-worthy, designer shoes.
I stand transfixed in front of the Nordstrom display at the most hallowed place in the world: the magical, magnificent Mall of America. The Jimmy Choos are a flawless blend of classic style and modern design, four-and-a-half inch elegant heels with a wrap-around strap. They coordinate perfectly with the black, form-fitting dress in the bag at my side purchased for the most important day of my life.
These shoes deserve to be worshipped on the altar of homecoming court. These shoes could bring world peace. These shoes could—
“Piper, what are you doing?” my best friend Adeline asks.
I have to choke down the emotion before squeaking out, “They’re perfect.”
Adeline’s eyes follow my focus to the shoes. She shakes her head so adamantly her blonde ponytail whips her in the face. “They’re Twelve. Hundred. Dollars.”
I roll my eyes. “That’s an exaggeration. They’re only $1199.”
Adeline stands with a hand on her hip. “Your dad warned you about spending money.”
I hitch my bags over the shoulder of my Michael Kors white leather jacket, which is a perfect contrast to my wavy, brown hair. “Come on, Ads. What Roy doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”
“Calling your dad ‘Roy’ doesn’t change the fact he’s your dad. It just makes you sound weird.”
I sigh. “He’s on the campaign trail. Again. He knows I’m going to spend money.”
I love the voice in this! My main suggestion would be to make sure we can sympathize with your MC pretty soon. So far, she seems rich and spoiled, which can veer into unlikable if we don't see a hint of something more fairly quickly. Fun start!
ReplyDeleteThis is great information to know. It's so hard in the first 250, but those first impressions are key!
DeleteI have to agree with sunbeam313. The voice is great, but I'm not liking this mc at all. You need to show something else, make the reader care about her, root for her. So far, she comes across as only spoiled and entitled.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your honesty. It's good to know it will rub readers the wrong way. Thank you!
DeleteI get what the others are saying about thinking the MC is just spoiled and entitled - it's that $1199 line. But I feel like maybe something's coming at the end with her sigh about dad being on the campaign trail again. Hopefully that's true!
ReplyDeleteYes! Good guess!
DeleteI absolutely LOVE this! You've brought out the MC's voice & even though she comes off a little spoilt, that's okay. Maybe that's how you intended the MC to be, because we'll see her growth as the book progresses!
ReplyDeleteSo true. She's definitely a brat, but it leaves for a nice character arc:)
DeleteLOVE the voice. Being wealthy is great...but is she punishing her dad for being absent? The sidekick can be a great asset...calling out MC for lavish ostentatious-ness. I'd read more because the voice is fun and light.
ReplyDeleteThank you. It's so good to get these different perspectives and rewrite accordingly. Thank you!
DeleteI still love this voice!
ReplyDeleteBut I want a hint at her conflict to help me invest in her character sooner.
I've seen this full, and I still love the writing, the voice, and the story-telling. If the author has amped up the stakes, I'd love to see it again! <3