TITLE: Heart of Fire
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Ebba has fallen in love with a demon named Kryptos, but she’s forced to banish him in order to protect her world from a demonic invasion. He detects what she’s doing and appears partway through the ritual.
Kryptos materialized behind her, a frown on his face. “Ebba, there’s something wrong with the Veil.” Alarm colored his voice.
Sweet Anabiel have mercy. She hadn’t counted on him being able to detect what she was doing now he controlled the entrance between Hell and this world. If only she’d had time to read more of The Testament of Saint Jhaarth. The same book slipped from her frightened fingers.
Probably, she was going to die. At least it was too late for him to stop the ritual even if he took his fire back from her. She ought to say the last words and let it be finished.
Instead, Ebba grabbed the front of Kryptos’ shirt and kissed him.
Her decision was spontaneous and entirely self-centered. She did it because she wanted to. A kiss had been promised to her, and she would have it, even if it tasted bitter instead of sweet.
To her surprise, he kissed her back. He must have known something was wrong. Yet he didn’t break away. He devoted his full attention to the kiss. His hands went to her hips, his wings hugging her. There was a clumsiness in the thrust of his tongue, which he didn’t quite know where to put, but Kryptos kissed with singular focus, as if the only thing in the entire universe was her.
Their embrace only broke when Kryptos’ body started to fade away.
Good little details here reminding us that this kiss is not between two humans, like the wings hugging her. I'd try rephrasing "which he didn't quite know where to put"; it just sounds a little awkward. But it ends with a great finishing line; definitely makes you want to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
This is a great first kiss snippet from this story. It has a good pacing, the characters were believable, and the chemistry was red hot between them. Pardon the pun: it was out of this world. I would try to remove some passive words like started to and make was doing stronger to done. Try not to use adverbs like entirely when you can. Good effort.
ReplyDelete