TITLE: Tiny
GENRE: YA Science Fiction
Tala and Terran are humanoid aliens living on earth. They’ve been kidnapped and are being kept in a cave with a force field barrier guarding the entrance. Tala has assembled a device that will allow one person to pass through.
“Tala, wait.”
His voice was tense. She turned back, wondering if something was wrong. He swept toward her, placed his hands on her waist and, after staring for a fiery moment into her eyes, pressed his lips to hers.
Her mind whirled in surprise. Great fires of all the Volcanos. He was kissing her. And, she realized with a start that almost made her pull away, she was kissing him back. For once she didn’t think, didn’t calculate, she just let herself live in this one perfect moment.
And then, far too quickly, it was over. He pulled away and gave her a gentle push through the barrier.
She stood on the other side, breathless, a little confused, and still not sure what to do with her hands. He gazed back at her with the most serious expression she’d seen on him yet, pressed his hand against the barrier and whispered, “Good luck, Tala.”
She bit her bottom lip.
“Terran, you realize I’m not leaving without you, right?”
“You don’t have time to worry about getting the barrier down. Go. Get to the ship. Save the humans. You can come back for me when there aren’t other lives depending on you.”
“No, Terran. When I said the device would only let one person through, I meant only one…at a time.”
She held out the device, pushing it through the barrier toward him.
“Oh, right,” he said, taking it with an embarrassed grin that made her heart beat faster.
Oh, I like this. All the romantic build-up, and then you find out they don't have to be separated after all. That's fun. Nice depiction of Tala's inner thoughts. I don't think you need a paragraph between her biting her lip and the subsequent line of dialogue. It might be nice to have a description of Terran's face or body language while he's telling her to go on without him. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThis was a nice little snippet from your YA sci fi. The two characters were believable and the pacing seemed fine. I could see the oozing chemistry coming off from them. I do have minor nits: I think you could remove was and say he kissed her and she kissed him back. Was is a passive word that could be removed. Show her look confused like a blink, and a little is passive--be specific on how much. As for having her wonder, show it in a thought or a question, since wondering if a filter word. Quickly is an adverb--so show how quick in the passive. Not sure of an embarrassed grin--maybe have him blush or lower head. Overall, nice work!
ReplyDeleteLots of chemistry between the characters. I felt bad that they would be separated so nice twist at the end!
ReplyDeleteThere's not much description of the kiss itself here--I can't tell if it's a press of lips or a french kiss, for example. Other than that, great job!
ReplyDelete