Wednesday, August 27, 2008

#13 SECRET AGENT Are You Hooked?

GENRE: Literary Fiction with a Commercial Edge

The weightless stash tucked in Trev’s chest pocket practically spoke to him. He’d been putting off its ‘light-up and tune-out’ lure for hours, but now he fumbled over its denim hideout to make sure the packet of weed was still in there.

He didn't felt guilty. Many cancer patients smoked marijuana as a form of pain control, but Trev realized quickly, the patients weren’t the only ones in need of a fix. What about the family members who had to watch the torture?

Because his mom had opted for Tylenol Three and morphine, Trev felt somehow entitled—no, more than entitled—it was part of the treatment, and he, in his own way, was helping. Duty, that's how he saw it.

But this dose was special.

The expected phone call came a few minutes after midnight. His hand rested solemnly over his heart, over his little stash of sanity.

The black handset, perched across the room on his bedroom desk, echoed its shrilly ring again and again in the eerie quiet of their house. Trev pictured his dad on the other end, frantically trying to pass on the news to his only child.

I’ve known for months, Dad. Today it’s just official.


  1. I think this would be stronger if you could modify it to have "I've known for months, Dad. Today it's just official." as your opening line.

    This has potential, but I'm not hooked. Sorry.

  2. I like this. I like the tone and the voice. It made me laugh - horrible sense of humour! But I would read on.

  3. Some bad punctuation, typo's, adverbs and sloppy language makes it a bit hard to read. But I like the voice here. I'd read on.

  4. You're a good writer. This is well done. But the subject presented doesn't interest me. I'm not hooked but I think you'll do well.

  5. There are some errors in the narrative execution here, but easily remedied. Voice got me! I would certainly read on...

  6. Interesting premise. This seemed wordy to me and in need of tightening, but it has me curious to see what happenes next.

  7. Second paragraph stalled me for a second. I really wanted to reword it, get rid of the "but Trev realized quickly".

    But this is a 'yes' from me. Strong voice (as always). :)

  8. Needs some revision for style and grammar, but it wasn't bad.

    I agree with some folks upthread about rearranging some of the text, like starting with the "I know dad, it's official." I think that would be a great way to start and circle back to the rest.

    It was intriguing, but not there for me quite yet.

  9. Typos are easy to fix. You've got me interested enough to read on. :)

  10. Ditto on the spelling and grammar issues. I'd have to say No overall as I didn't care for the Mc's voice, nor did this section feel like it was leading towards anything. Sorry.

  11. This is definitely intriguing, with all the family drama going on. I just hope it doesn't get too depressing. I'd read on for sure.

  12. Tentatively Hooked.

    I liked the voice, and the plot so far. I'm interested to see what happens next.