Thursday, April 22, 2010

50 Words #19

TITLE: The Peanut Butter and Jelly Friendship
GENRE: MG Contemporary

Annie waited until her mom buried herself in the bills before sneaking the phone into the hall closet. She pushed aside her sister's faux fur parka and speed-dialed "7." She let it ring once then hung up and called again. Their secret code. It rang twice before Jason answered.

13 comments:

Claire said...

Liked it. Would read more. The faux fur coat was a nice touch.

Bethany Elizabeth said...

I'm definitely hooked, and I love your title. I wish I could say more, but I'd really just prefer to keep reading more. :)

Medical Librarian said...

Hooked. I want to read more--and not just because I remember using that same code with my best friend in the pre-cell phone, pre-caller i.d. era.

Interesting title, though that actually would probably push me away from the book.

Steve Hall said...

Good hook!

Kristin said...

Hooked. Want to hear their conversation. And the title is great. Liked the coat reference.

Jean V. Ryan said...

I'm puzzled. If this is a call she has to make in secret, why is the number on speed dial? Is this her phone or the family phone? Not quite hooked.

Jill Wheeler said...

I like the secret code. If this is contemporary, though, I'm not sure the kid wouldn't have her own phone. And if it's a house phone, do they have speed dial? Not sure.

Sarah Laurenson said...

Very nice. Not my style. Subjective taste says not hooked, but the writing and the title are good.

Iris said...

I like the writing and the title is cute. Based on that I would give it a paragraph or two more, even though it's not my style.

TKAstle said...

Hooked.

jjdebenedictis said...

Somewhat hooked. I'm curious about what happens next, but I think some of the sentences should to be shorter. This just didn't read well, to me. Shorter sentences would help imply the protagonist's emotional tension, too, i.e. her furtiveness and (presumably) nervousness.

Vicki Tremper said...

I would definitely read more. I like the sneaking and the details. I love the title.

Judith said...

Like it. Good, solid set-up; the action is clear, but there's a mystery: why is she calling him, and why does it need to be a secret?

The only thing I would change is one of those first two sentences. They're both kind of a mouthful. Read it out loud, and it's not quite as smooth as I'd want at the beginning. Maybe break the first one into two?