Thursday, April 22, 2010

50 Words #25

TITLE: DEMON MADE
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy


I heard the demon before I saw him. It was the familiar sound of his heavy feet stumbling over tree roots, followed by low growls of frustration. What Margrad lacked in grace, he made up for in sheer brute strength. It still didn’t make him competent at kidnapping anyone, especially me.

20 comments:

  1. I like this but I'm picturing more of a physical creature like an ogre instead of a demon. To me, demons are weightless and not cumbersome. Just my personal opinion. I still like the opening though :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I link the last line. Made me think. Good. The second line was a little distracting. Maybe shorten it and combine it with the first. (Just my humble opinion, though.)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Like it! A MC who can outsmart a demon is someone I'd hang out with for awhile.

    ReplyDelete
  4. So why does he want to kidnap MC? I'd read more.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hooked! I am forming a good picture of Margrad and I want to know just why the narrator is so nonchalant about being stalked by this lumbering demon.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I like this very, very much. I love how you've gotten in so much info and voice without feeling like you're trying to. I would keep reading.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I agree with maybe combining the the first and second sentences, the whole thing feels slightly (only slightly) choppy to me. That said - I'm hooked, at least enough for another couple of pages.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Good Hook! I would not combine the first two sentences as some have suggested, but I would recommend you show rather than tell in the second sentence. Instead of "It was..." try "Heavy feet stumbled..."

    ReplyDelete
  9. I like the concept, but the first sentence is unnecessary and actually cuts the tension before it starts. The passive second sentence further dampens things. Just open with the sound, without what it comes from.

    Not quite hooked.

    ReplyDelete
  10. The first sentence seems a bit familiar, but I love the last one! Kidnapped by demons, ohmy!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm curious enough to read more, but it felt a bit clunky as a single paragraph. Maybe try breaking it up?

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hooked. Love the voice, and I'm curious why Margrad wat to kidnap her.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hooked. I like the MC's 'here we go again' attitude.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Cute. I'm hooked. Nice conflict between what the reader expects of a demon and what is actually true of this one, plus the protagonist has an engaging voice.

    ReplyDelete
  15. hooked. I want to know why the demon is after the character and I want to know more about the demon.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I'm half-hooked. I would read on to see what happens, but the writing itself doesn't quite pull me in. Maybe "I heard the demon before I saw him--the familiar sound of his heavy feet stumbling over tree roots, followed by low growls of frustration." It flows a bit better into the rest of it, for me.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Semi-hooked. I like the idea of a clumsy demon and a kid who's confident in eluding it. The first sentence I feel is unnecessary. I would start off with "I heard the familiar sounds of the demon's heavy feet stumbling..." But good start, I would say.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I liked it, with a little tightening...

    I heard the demon before I saw him -- heavy feet stumbling over tree roots, low growls of frustration. What Margrad lacked in grace, he made up for in brute strength. It still didn’t make him competent at kidnapping anyone. Especially me.

    ReplyDelete