Thursday, April 22, 2010

50 Words #22

TITLE: Dragon Lancer
GENRE: Young Adult


Paul thrust the sword in deeper, straining to reach the center, most vulnerable point before the fumes knocked him out. The dragon roared and shook his huge head. Steam hissed between his massive teeth. Paul shoved the sword to the right and thrust again.

“Nope. That’s not it either, man.”

14 comments:

Janet Johnson said...

Semi-hooked. I'd keep reading to find out more, but the last sentence threw me for a loop. Just felt like such a different tone than the rest.

Claire said...

I like dragons. Why do they always have to be slain? Kind of hooked. The last sentence got my attention. Dragon Slaying Training Academy or what?

M.T. Murphy said...

Hooked. I like it so far, though I would refer to the dragon as "it" unless you have another reason to give it a more human quality with "he."

Emay said...

Semi-hooked. The beginning with the dragon is interesting, but that first line of dialogue just doesn't fit it. I'd read on to see if the rest makes a smoother transition.

Bethany Elizabeth said...

I actually really liked that last line of dialouge - but only if the contrast was intentional. However, I didn't like the flow of the first paragraph. Noun verb, noun verb, noun verb, noun verb. And I think giving the dragon a gender was a good idea.
Hooked, and I liked the title.

Steve Hall said...

Almost hooked. Think I need to know who spoke the dialogue...was it the dragon?

Jean V. Ryan said...

I'm hooked except for the comma between center and most. Maybe a the would work better. Also. who is saying the dialogue?

Jill Wheeler said...

I'm not hooked, but I'm not into dragons. The writing is strong and clean, though.

Laurel said...

I'd read more for sure. And I also really liked the dialogue. The tone was unexpected but instead of jarring I found it funny and assumed that to be intentional. I liked the dichotomy of modern dialogue paired with a very old trope.

Chris V said...

I wasn't a huge fan of the first paragraph. Though it threw us into the action, it seemed kind of typical of fantasy: guy or warrior fighting dragon or whatever. But the hookiest part was definitely the first line of dialogue. Made me wonder the context, so I guess this works. My first thought was he was playing a videogame or something, so I'd read more to find out. Call me semi-hooked, then :)

TKAstle said...

Totally agree with Chris V.

TKAstle said...

Totally agree with Chris V.

jjdebenedictis said...

Not hooked. Unlike Chris V, I don't like action until I have a reason to care about the participants (although action and building reader-empathy can happen at the same time.)

I found the dialogue confusing because it doesn't fit with the previous paragraph, and if it's meant to be funny, I think I need to know who is speaking--is it the dragon?

Suzanne Casamento said...

Hooked. What could be better than roaring and hissing steam?