TITLE: Blackberry Summer
GENRE: YA
Shelby felt the biting sting and inched backward to unwind a lock of auburn hair from another thorn. Numerous scratches burned her arms and legs. She glanced down with annoyance at her filthy shorts, noticing that her pink tee shirt scarcely fared better. She absently swatted at a cloud of gnats hovering around her face.
"Eddie Pickens, you're a no account lying piece of scum!" Shelby stomped her foot, frustrated at hearing herself talking like her country cousins. She knew Eddie was nearby, probably rolling in silent laughter as he listened to her thrashing about in the blackberry patch.
She wondered now why she'd followed Eddie into the woods, especially after their encounter yesterday. Her cousins had convinced her to let him pour some revolting goop into her hair, supposedly to repel ticks. What a mistake that had been. Now it seemed she'd made another one.
She hardly knew anything about Eddie, except that he was approximately a year older than she was, and that his voice flowed like warm molasses. She'd met him for the first time two weeks ago when she arrived at her grandparents' house. Nanny liked him and hadn't objected when he invited Shelby to come along today. Shelby knew now he had lured her out here for the pure pleasure of humiliating her, and if she ever managed to escape the brambles, she was going to make him pay. She should have known better than to trust his smooth southern-boy charm.
I'd keep reading. There isn't anything that I feel in love with here, but there isn't anything to stop me from reading either.
ReplyDelete(The one thing I do get a sense of is danger - like something is going to happen.)
I'm not sure about this one. I'd probably keep reading for a while, but right now the voice feels all over the place with regard to age. I don't mind a YA feeling a little older or younger (some teens are like that), but when it bounces back and forth, I have a harder time.
ReplyDeleteIntrigued by Eddie though. Not sure why.
I'm with Selestial. The voice jumps from MG to YA to MG to me. And unfortunately, there isn't enough to keep me reading :(
ReplyDeleteI, too, nearly thought "this is MG" then changed my mind toward the end of the passage. This is only 250 words, though, so my assumption is that the voice smooths out over the next few pages.
ReplyDeleteI spent many summers picking blackberries as a kid, and I think you got those descriptions just right. :)
I thought you had an interesting opening here, but it didn't wow me. I wouldn't read on because the writing wasn't strong enough. She feels a biting sting but doesn't react to it. She's covered in burning scratches but she's annoyed about her dirty clothes. She knows Eddie's probably watching and laughing, but she's not mad at him, she's mad at herself for talking like her cousins.
ReplyDeletePerhaps reconsider her emotions and anger and redirect them to more appropriate places?
The voice/age thing didn't bother me too much because she could be as young as 13, and as someone else said, some kids are more mature than others.
I'm thinking it's just not quite there yet. Another rewrite or two would probably do the trick.
I'd keep reading a page or two more to see if the voice evens out, but I agree with others that it bounces between MG and YA for me.
ReplyDeleteEveryone makes good points, I wasn't sure if it was MG or YA.
ReplyDeleteI would have much rather been "in the moment", seeing these pranks and the sparks between the cousins than hearing about them. So I'd give it another page or two, but I was not super-compelled.
It doesn't quite feel like a scene to me yet. It starts that way, then skips back to something happening yesterday. If that yesterday scene was important, why don't we get to see it?
ReplyDeleteThis way, I don't know if I'm going to hate Eddie or fall in love with him. And I suspect that we're supposed to like him long before our heroine admits she does. So we need to see him, hear his voice, know what he's done to get her tangled up in these brambles.
Starting in the middle of the action shouldn't mean leaving out the interesting bits of how the action got started.
I love this one, but maybe start the story where she meets Eddie Pickens. I love that name. It made me chuckle.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked with this one. I really like Shelby's line to her cousin.
ReplyDeleteI wish I knew a little more about the story in the opening, but I'd keep reading.