TITLE: Thanksgiving
GENRE: Women's Fiction
Rita was at a complete loss. Thanksgiving had always been her favorite day of the year and with three short syllables her daughter had driven a stake through its heart and killed the holiday forever. It was raining sideways in New York and the wind whipped between the buildings.
What were the three syllables? You can't leave me without those three syllables!!! Arrrggh!
ReplyDeleteDeep Breath!
Okay, I'd definitely read a bit more based on these 50 words. Good job.
Hooked. I want to know what her daughter said in three words to ruin Thanksgiving.
ReplyDeleteSemi-hooked. I'm curious to see what the 3 syllables are, so that hooks me. But the last sentence seems thrown in and unrelated to the first two punchier sentences, which slows down the pace for me.
ReplyDeleteNot really hooked. She sounds a bit whiney and miserable, and the weather is a turn off.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. I like to start reading with something evocative, funny, beautiful or shocking. Or at least something incredibly telling. Find a special way to tell us that Rita's Thanksgiving is ruined. Not all beginnings have to be happy and bright, but then the writing should grab us.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
WOW! I am definitely hooked. I would put the last sentence in a separate paragraph. Forever is a powerful word and would backload your opening paragraph. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteHooked. Want to know what Rita's daughter said. Nice imagery at the end.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked at all. IMHO, you are heavy handed with the absolutes. It gives the impression of a person subject to histrionics, not the sort of thing I want to be around, even in a story. The weather sentence drags it down even more.
ReplyDeleteYour opening is well written, but it's an explanation. You're telling us what the story was about and is going to be about.
ReplyDeleteShow, don't tell. Drop us in the middle of the action. Let the plot come out as the story unfolds.
You look like a really good writer, so I know you can pull it off.
Without knowing what those three syllables are, I have a hard time identifying with Rita's feelings. At the moment, she seems sort of overwrought and, well, whiny. I'd keep reading to find out what her daughter says, but if it wasn't truly devastating, I'd have little patience for Rita.
ReplyDeleteOh, yes. This is good because you imply a change has taken place, one that is irrevocable and that has thrown the protagonist's life out of balance. The reader knows a story is already in motion. This is excellent; I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely hooked. What are the three syllables. I am gay? I am done? I am ??? Not I am ...
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. Want to know the syllables that were uttered, but not curious enough to read on. The sentence about the weather jerked me out of the story. There's no relation between that and the previous sentences.
ReplyDeleteSemi-hooked. Depends on how long it takes you to get to the three words.
ReplyDelete