TITLE: Selarial's Song
GENRE: Science Fiction
Selarial stepped out of the shower and looked over her closet, debating about what to wear. She looked wistfully at the comfort of traditional attire; the soft silks of her Singer calling beckoned. Selarial’s eye touched on the uniform she probably should wear to the party at the base.
Not hooked. Wardrobe selection isn't very interesting. Nicely written though.
ReplyDeleteNot quite hooked, but I'd like to know more about being a Singer. I'd try to combine the last 2 sentences into something shorter, then try for a more "hooky" last sentence.
ReplyDeleteI'm not deep enough in her POV to be hooked. It's a tame image and doesn't give me a sense of her character. It needs to be more vivid.
ReplyDeleteI'd substitute a stronger verb for "looked wistfully". I'm interested in the party at the base but confused by the "soft silks of her Singer". I thought for a minute you were talking about a sewing machine she was going to use to make a new outfit, until I realized that would be neither soft nor silky.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. Deciding what to wear doesn't interest me, especially when it says very little about the character.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. You're trying to give the reader backstory without it seeming like backstory, but we're not fooled. Dive into the plot, and fill us in on the background details as you go.
ReplyDeleteI'd probably read on, but I'd like a little differentiation in the sentence structures. Maybe start the second or third sentence with something other than "She" or "Selarial". Just to make it a little more interesting to read. And if you can start a little later than this, that might be better--the dullness of leaving the shower and picking out clothing isn't very gripping.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked yet. The last sentence has a hint of tension, but that's all.
ReplyDelete"Singer" and clothes says sewing machine to me.
ReplyDeleteI'd give it a bit more to catch my attention.