TITLE: SAVING DANGER
GENRE: Contemporary Middle Grade Fiction
In case you didn't know, dog slobber is not invisible when it dries. It leaves a shiny mark like dried snot. I learned this from a dog named Danger who protected Trusty Used Cars from thieves and vandals. At least I thought his name was Danger. The sign on the fence said "Beware of DANGER."
Danger had a cow every time someone walked by the six-foot chain link fence that surrounded the lot. People said he was downright mean and if he ever got out of there, somebody was going to die. As luck would have it, my mom and I had moved into my grandma's old house on Rail Road, two blocks away from the car lot. Two blocks away from the snarling, fang-gnashing Danger. Starting today, I, Marty Robb, had to walk by there on school days.
Mom had driven me back and forth the first week of school. "Goodson Avenue to Parker Street, Marty," she'd said. "No detours." Of course there was only one sidewalk on Goodson, and of course it was on Danger's side of the street.
That morning I woke up wishing it was Saturday and that I was too sick to go to school. Or that I'd grown a second head in the middle of the night and had to be rushed to the hospital. But no. That day I had to stand up in front of my sixth grade class and explain "What I Did Last Summer." Like I wanted them to know.
I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI have a feeling that you maybe started in the wrong place, as the real thrust of this excerpt comes through in that last line - "Like I wanted them to know." I'm dying to find out.
Not sure, therefore, how Danger plays into everything - it feels like too long of a transition (from the dog slobber, to the dog, to the driving, to the school day).
I like the writing.
I don't know. Maybe this works 100%. But your last line hooked me.
I like the writing and the voice in this. My only concern is having the character wake up in the last paragraph. I don't personally mind that, but a lot of agents do.
ReplyDeleteNice voice!
ReplyDeleteI like the opening where you present us with the fact that Marty has got close enough to a dangerous animal to learn the intricacies of dog slobber.
I like the way you describe what people have said about it within earshot of the protag, and his mother's instructions, adds nicely to the age and voice of the viewpoint character.
Flows along easily and conversationally.
A little worried about where the last couple of sentences are going introducing the concern about classroom speech when I still felt it was all about the dog. That might be something to move further down the line after he survives his first morning getting past DANGER.
Great work.
I like the voice of this and I'd probably read on. The first line didn't work for me though. Really, that's my only complaint.
ReplyDeleteI really like the voice on this. Love the first sentence. Only "fang-gnashing" stuck out at me as sort of odd for a sixth grade boy to say.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think I got a little lost on what day THAT day is. Is it the day he learned that dog slobber isn't invisible? Or is it "today" and he's going to stand up in class now? Either way, I want to know what he did last summer. I'm hooked.
I really liked this right up until the very end - and that's because it just seemed to come out of nowhere. I was still wanting to see what happened when he actually walked by Danger.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can figure a way to work this around so that it makes a bit more sense - or maybe I'm just an idiot.
I agree with melody colleen - that last paragraph came out of the blue. It has no relation to anything that came before it.
ReplyDeleteYou have a great voice here, and the writing works, but after all the attention given to the dog, it seems we should see a scene in which he encounters the dog. Switching suddenly to school and what he did on summer vacation made me stop and go 'huh?'
Maybe find a way to transition to that? Or as someone else said, get to it a little bit later. Without any real interaction with the dog, everything you tell us about it becomes irrelevant.
I like the voice and the picture of the dog. It kind of reminds me of the movie, “The Sand Lot.”
ReplyDeleteHowever, time keeps ‘moving’ around. We’re with the dog then a week earlier then today, then that morning, then that day. Too many that’s in the last paragraph also. And the sentence “That morning I woke up wishing it was Saturday and that I was too sick to go to school,” seems off. He wouldn’t go to school on Saturday, seems like or would work better than the and.
Yet,I like the last line and would read on.
I really liked the voice but there is too much, so you are a little all over the place. For example: you don't need to tell us he woke up. I know he woke up, I am seeing him right now, awake, and your telling me takes away immediacy. And I agree with the comment that time seems slippery here.
ReplyDeleteWatch what happens when you just cut some of the repetition and telly stuff:
In case you didn't know, dog slobber is not invisible when it dries. It leaves a shiny mark like dried snot. I learned this from the Trusty Used Car Lot dog I passed every day on the way to my new school.
My grandma had always said that dog was downright mean and if he ever got out of there, somebody was going to die. The sign on the fence on the way to my new school said "Beware of DANGER", so that's what I called him. Danger went crazy, barking and slavering, every time someone walked by the six-foot chain link fence that surrounded the lot.
My mom and I had moved into my grandma's old house on Rail Road, two blocks away from the car lot, the week before. So skirting death was now a part of my morning routine.
That day I had to stand up in front of my sixth grade class and explain "What I Did Last Summer." Like I wanted them to know.
They all beat me to it: Love the dog, love that the kid calls him Danger because of the sign (though I've never seen a "beware OF danger" sign; do you mean, Danger, Beware?), love the voice. Can't figure out what's going on, though, because the time slides all over the place.
ReplyDeleteI really, really, really want the first scene to be some gnarly stuff with the dog. The "What I Did on Vacation" isn't nearly as original, and doesn't hook me as much as the junkyard dog does.
The first paragraph made me laugh aloud; I wanted more.
ReplyDeleteAfter that, it's a little bit too involved for an opening until the last paragraph. I feel like we should hear more about the summer and less about the dog.
Great voice!
This was really a mix of voices. The first paragraph is just funny. The second is also funny, but transitioning to Marty's story. And then the last two paragraphs were all about him. It's less funny & sarcastic - more worried. I'm not sure if "Like I wanted them to know" meant he had a bizarre "last summer" or he just didn't feel like sharing. I've heard it both ways from my own kids. :-)
ReplyDeleteI would read more, though.