TITLE: The Children of Midian
GENRE: YA Contemporary Fantasy
Elliot looked around at the gathering darkness of the woods. The trees surrounding him and his dog, Zeke, filtered the setting suns rays. He shivered. His hoodie, wrapped around his waist, and the grey t-shirt beneath it did not insulate him from the early evening chill. He untied the
sweatshirt and slipped it over his head. The ground was less spongy here than at the edge of the woods. Long-dead trees lay scattered among the live ones and the faint smell of rotting earth filled his nostrils.
He needed to blow off some steam and didn't want anyone bothering him just yet. Apart from his sister, Maggie, he doubted anyone would look for him here.
Suspended from a branch high above him, a dirty, green basketball sneaker hung from its laces. It couldn't have been a blast to walk through the woods with one shoe. The woods were like that--full of strange things, but peaceful, in a noisy cricket-and-bug sort of way.
He rubbed the yellow lab's neck, trying to calm himself while he ruminated on his parents' attitude, how deaf his father was to his words. "You know, pup, I was wondering. Have you ever wondered why they never listen to a thing I say? I mean, beyond the whole kids don't know squat line of reasoning. Dad thinks it's so easy. Just move to the next army base and find yourself some new friends. No problem. How many times have we moved?"
:-)
ReplyDeleteI would keep reading. Nothing stops me from wanting to read on.
This read kind of stilted for me. And other than knowing his parents don't listen and he likes the woods, it doesn't give enough to grab me. I want more of a sense of Elliot, and right now I don't have that.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Selestial.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph starts with the weather and scenery. Okay, it's kind of creepy, but it doesn't tell me what the story's about, or anything about the MC, you know?
Also, the last paragraph voice shift really threw me off. This in particular:
He rubbed the yellow lab's neck, trying to calm himself while he ruminated on his parents' attitude, how deaf his father was to his words. "You know, pup, I was wondering.
And everything that comes after "wondering," reads as telling, not showing. Even though it's in dialogue to his dog...it's still telling. Sometimes a bit of that can work, but it didn't here. Not for me, unfortunately.
I really like contemporary fantasy, and the dog Zeke, so I'd keep reading. Nothing's totally grabbed me yet, but it's still early, and it certainly hasn't turned me off, either. ;)
ReplyDeleteI liked it until I got to the last paragraph. I liked the description of the forest because it created a mood that suited the genre and title. You created an otherworldly feeling that made me believe this was not just some ordinary forest.
ReplyDeleteThe last paragraph disappointed me because learning he was a service brat mad about moving just seemed so cliche. Perhaps, rather than telling us that about him, you could introduce the problem he has because of the constant moving. If it's unique or interesting enough, cliche goes out the window, and you can pull me back in.
And in the first paragraph, the earth doesn't rot. The wood and leaves and other plant life would, but not the earth itself.
Not completely hooked. I would read on a little bit, but I'm not sure about the whole dialogue to the dog thing. It almost feels like you reached the end of page one, noticed that you hadn't included any dialogue, and threw in a paragraph with Elliot talking to the dog. I loved the beginning, because it set the scene nicely without being too purple, but you lost me at the last paragraph. Good work with the beginning, though!
ReplyDeleteI’m not sure where this is going. There’s a build up with the forest, then he’s upset about moving. Like some others, that last paragraph threw me. However, the writing’s pretty good,(I didn;t like wondering and wondered so close together though) so I would read on.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, but I don't find this compelling. I don't think that the dialogue sounds authentic. I don't believe that a kid would tell the story to his dog like that - his dog, presumably, lives in the house and knows what has been going on.
ReplyDeleteRather than telling us "he needed to blow off some steam", why not let the kid stomp, or throw rocks at a tree, or scream, or tell the dog "I HATE HIM AND HIS STUPID ARMY" or any number of other things that would seem more organic.
(Also the first para makes it sound like Zeke is filtering the suns rays.)
I don't know where this story is headed, but I like the introduction to Elliot and his dog. The bit about the shoe caught my attention. I'm hooked!
ReplyDelete