TITLE: The Quality of Light
GENRE: Suspense
I knew the moment she put it in my hands everything had changed. Subtle. A slight shift, minuscule maybe but a shift none the less. Once she placed the manuscript in my hands there was no turning back - such a casual moment capable of changing everything
Hooked. Want to know about the life altering manuscript.
ReplyDeleteI think if it had been something other than a manuscript, I'd be more hooked. If it were some ancient artifact or something along those lines. I would keep going though.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. The second sentence (word, technically) is unneeded. The third sentence is also unnecessary (if everything changed, then it wouldn't be minuscule, would it?), and the fourth sentence is a wordier repeat of the first sentence.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. Emay pretty well covered all my issues. And "nonetheless" is one word--but not the word I'd use there.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
ReplyDeleteA manuscript doesn't interest me much, and the para seemed too repetetive.
Not hooked. I agree about the repetition.
ReplyDeleteI'm kind of feeling 'eh' about this. The only part that's interested is the writer in me, going, 'Manuscipt? Manuscript?' And I can't imagine many scenarios where actually handing over the manuscript finalized the deal. It's also repetitive.
ReplyDeleteHowever, the flow is good and the voice is genuine, if a bit superfluous. So I'd probably read on for a page or so, to see if it got better. :)
Hee, my dirty mind thought something different from "manuscript" in the first line. I'm kind of hooked. I want to know what's so special about the ms.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. I liked the shifts and changes, but you spilled the beans too quickly about what caused the shift...
ReplyDeleteHooked. Your voice drew me in immediately. The tension of the scene pours through.
ReplyDeleteCould be hooked. I found it too repeatative and the first sentence is vague telling not showing. The concept however, is interesting.
ReplyDeleteManuscript? Really? I was hoping for something different. Not hooked.
ReplyDeleteThis piece starts beautifully, implying that everything is different now, and a story is about to start. I really loved your first sentence.
ReplyDeleteBut then repetition spoils the whole paragraph.
You say "she put it in my hands", and then you say "she placed the manuscript in my hands".
You say "everything had changed", then you say "a ... moment ... changing everything".
We only need to hear these things once. Please edit yourself ruthlessly to get rid of these redundancies, because you obviously can write beautifully.
I was intrigued by the first sentence, but the rest is too repetitive.
ReplyDeleteThis is much too vague. No names, nothing specific--I don't feel the need to read on. It feels like you're trying to hard to open with suspense. Sorry, not hooked.
ReplyDelete