TITLE: “I'll have a Manhattan on the rocks, extra sweet, two cherries.”
GENRE: Chick Lit
When I was born, if any grandparent referred to me as the “favorite,” it would have to be my mother’s mother. My sister, the first-born grandchild, had already been claimed by my mother’s father. That was probably my sister’s only claim to fame, but that is a different story altogether.
Not hooked. Sorry. It seemed that this opening paragraph was more about her sister than her. And all the "mother's mother" and "mother's father" lines get a little confusing. Without knowing anything else about your story, this opening just doesn't seem important enough to carry my interest. I'm really sorry.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. It's cumbersome to me, with reference to four people in the first two sentences.
ReplyDeleteIf you need to reference these people without names, I'd suggest maternal grandmother, paternal grandmother. Even better, Grandma and Nana - or whatever they're called.
Still, four intros in two lines is a lot to digest.
Sorry.
Subtly hooked. But got caught up in the ‘mother’s father’ and ‘mother’s mother’ stuff. Excellent last sentence but it is lost in the miasma of the relationship translation. The second sentence might read better as, “…My mother’s father had already claimed my sister, the first-born grandchild…”
ReplyDeleteWording is awkward. I'm not hooked. Mother's mother would better read as maternal grandmother. That keeps the emphasis on the MC. Also, the inclusion of the sister wastes precious words in the beginning.
ReplyDeleteI'm thrown off by all of the familial relationships here. Hard to keep track of. Also, I don't want to know about the sister's story. I want to know about the MC.
ReplyDeleteI like it, the voice sounds interesting. Quick friendly banter. I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI love a Manhattan made in this exact way, but I don't get it as a title. I agree with the others about my mother's mother's father's father thing... It seems like you are revving up your writer's engines. But for some reason I was sort of hooked. I went back to read it a couple of times. I wonder if your second paragraph is where the goods are?
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. To wordy. Too cumbersome. And too much back-story. Start with some action.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. This is all "telling", not "showing", and it isn't telling me anything that makes me curious about this character's life.
ReplyDeleteCan you inject some tension into this? Does the character have conflicted feelings about being chosen someone's "favorite"? Does she feel a rivalry with her sister?
For this to work as a hook, I think you need to get us intrigued by the character, and one way to do that is to show her to have issues/neuroses that need resolving.
Not hooked. Title instantly turned me off. Great drink, but not so great as a title.
ReplyDelete"I was my Grandma Johnson's favorite grandchild." would go a long way to clearing up the family relations.
Wow. I don't care about your character. It might be the tone is not my style and I think that does have a lot to do with it. But this start seems to be a bit confusing and concentrating on the story you're not about to tell. More than half your words here are devoted to something you're not going to talk about. It's a let down, for me.
ReplyDeleteAah, too many relatives! It's a lot to keep track of in the first 50 words. I like Claire's suggestion for a starting line, followed up with something about how the sister had already claimed the other grandmother.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. I felt like I was in the history/back story of the character and knew more about her sister than her.
ReplyDelete